There's this fuckface I work with and every single time he opens his mouth,I wanna take a big,ectoplasmic,post-coffee,post-Guinness shit in it. First off,he's just,well,corny 
And second,if you say something that he has a difference of opinion on,he bashes. I don't mind friendly,harmless banter or the expression of an opinion that differs from my own. But he's a podium type. Sort of like a Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly type.Somebody said how delicious their mushrooms were on their sandwich and right away,the pig dick was all"Mushrooms have no taste and no nutritional value and only yuppie bistro types eat mushrooms!" And I was flabbergasted! I said,politely at first,"My girlfriend is an herbalist and she sells shittake extracts to people all the time."Aww,that's just placebo effect for weak-minded people". So I ignored him and went about my business,eating my shrimp plumadori pasta(mmm!).
Then I get to talking to someone else about music and who I thought were superb guitarists,etc. And the guy said"if you wanna hear a truly amazing guitarist instead of those no-names,listen to Master of Puppets by Metallica-Kirk Hammett is god,I'll suck him off"etc(not verbatim,but you get the idea). And nobody calls Nels Cline a no name in my presence!,J. Mascis either,goddamnit
!Needless to say,at that point I was a little hot. If you take Metallica over Wilco,fair enough.But I wasn't even talking to this prick. Now,to fully appreciate what a fucknut this cat is,he tells dumb jokes that are stale as all get out and if he gets no response,he tells it again until he gets one. So,he fired one off and I don't quite remember what it was,as i was trying not to listen,but it was more than mildly sexist and silence...,you can just about guess what happened next.
He told it again(and,mind you,in mixed company)so the woman I was talking music to before was like"the reason you got no response may have been due largely to the fact that it wasn't funny". So he said"what,too close to home?" And I told the guy,calmly"you're kind of stepping on some toes here". And he continued being all douchey,so I asked my co-worker(who was eating a salmon dish)"you done with that?" And I cold chucked it at the motherfucker,and it just went SPLAT allover his face,he had salmon slivers in his goatee,it was probably the best I've felt since I quit smoking weed
and he got up,walked away to clean up and -silence 
glorious fucking silence.
