in a weird place with music, could use a chat

[friendship]

The goal for my music life has been writing and recording my music, performing, making albums, etc. I'm at the stage of experience where I know that Business Success in this field is not possible for me (or at least, profoundly improbable), which is okay because that outcome is disconcerting to me, and I make music because it's fun and it feels good. Since I came to that conclusion, I haven't really been writing anything beyond stuff for commercial licensing, though I'm grateful for that work because it keeps me occupied.

I'm repulsed when I think about picking up my guitar or sitting at the keyboard and trying to write a personal song the way I used to. It seems like there's not much of a point? Yes it's fun if/when I can do it, but I can't get even my own friends to give it more than a moment's consideration, and while that shouldn't be important, music is an audience/community-based medium, in my opinion at least. With the commercial shit there is an audience, but with my personal music, there are like three people who will give scores of hours of work a cursory listen and say "sounds nice" and never mention it again.

I'm still really invested in music and my obsession lately has been sound design, building weird effects patches and mixing tools in my DAW that I would like to use in a production of my music. In fact, I'm more confident and proud of my production abilities than I've ever been in my life. I have skills and tools I'm dying to use, except I'm not writing anything beyond the commercial shit, which barely utilizes those skills/tools.

Should I just accept that I'm going through a phase right now and have faith that the bug to write will bite again? Should I implement some kind of regimen to make myself create even though the very idea of doing so embarrasses me right now? What if that feeling of shame never goes away? I'm at the stage of my life where my loved ones would probably be relieved that I gave this up for something that yields better returns, but frankly speaking I would prefer to die than stop making music. I'm miserable when I'm not doing it, so this is a frustrating dilemma.

[D.o.S.]

well, looks like you just have to chose death.

[popvulture]

I think you should just stick with it / wait it out. I've been there so many times (really am kinda there now, in fact), and every time I think "maybe I should just be more realistic and give this shit up," I realize that it'd be pretty impossible. I'd be absolutely miserable if I didn't have music as an outlet.

It can get SUPER lonely when you spend too much time making it by yourself—this is actually what's been driving me completely crazy as of late. It's hard to get anyone to just go rent a room with me for a couple hours and get loud / have fun. It drives me fucking nuts that I used to practice three times a week with my bands when I was in my 20s, and now it's like pulling teeth getting people to get together even once a month.

All I can say is that I keep chugging away, and I'm currently trying to find new avenues that are more conducive to me working solo until I can find some people to start a real band. I hope that's maybe somewhat helpful, although I know it may not be... regardless, I completely empathize. It's tough!

[friendship]

well, looks like you just have to chose death.

it tru

[friendship]

I think you should just stick with it / wait it out. I've been there so many times (really am kinda there now, in fact), and every time I think "maybe I should just be more realistic and give this shit up," I realize that it'd be pretty impossible. I'd be absolutely miserable if I didn't have music as an outlet.

It can get SUPER lonely when you spend too much time making it by yourself—this is actually what's been driving me completely crazy as of late. It's hard to get anyone to just go rent a room with me for a couple hours and get loud / have fun. It drives me fucking nuts that I used to practice three times a week with my bands when I was in my 20s, and now it's like pulling teeth getting people to get together even once a month.

All I can say is that I keep chugging away, and I'm currently trying to find new avenues that are more conducive to me working solo until I can find some people to start a real band. I hope that's maybe somewhat helpful, although I know it may not be... regardless, I completely empathize. It's tough!

Yeah, I'm not participating enough with other musicians. I really took for granted how easy it was to "jam" (slang for play music with) with people when I was younger, and those were usually the most invigorating times.

I think it's only unrealistic if you have an expectation for it, but, and I know this is corny, music is kind of its own reason. Maybe my future self won't really write anymore but I'm not ever stopping playing. That's absurd.

[Chankgeez]

Yes, insert yourself into uncomfortable musical situations.

[friendship]

You mean like when a restaurant staff has, regrettably for everyone involved, been asked to sing you a birthday song?

[D.o.S.]

Right. I think projects are a great way to keep ideas flowing. The Open Source thing came about because I was rocking some Karkowski and waiting on phanta to approve of a master, for example. I'm sending Neon some drum stuff for a project because he's rad but also because I've never done it before. Shit like this keeps you from burning out on having to stick to the confines you set for solo stuff, etc.