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A recent but already classic one-liner in my book:

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

I broke up with my japanese girlfriend last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

UglyCasanova wrote:I broke up with my japanese girlfriend last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

**snort**

Brilliant.

Do you know what makes me smile? Face muscles.

What's the difference between men and m&ms?

m&ms come in different colours.

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?

Ones for coming and ones for going.

man & girl go out to drive under moonlight they stop at on at a side of road.
he turn to his girl and say:
"baby, i love you very much"
"what is it honey?"
"our car is broke down. i think the engine is broken. ill walk and get some fuel."
"good idea. keep the doors locked no matter what. i love you sweaty"

so the guy left to go get full for the car. after two hours the girl say "where is my baby, he was supposed to be back by now". then the girl here a scratching sound and voice say "LET ME IN"

the girl doesnt do it and then after a while she goes to sleep. the next morning she wakes up and finds her boyfriend still not there. she gets out to check and man door hand hook car door

ShaunNecro wrote:man & girl go out to drive under moonlight they stop at on at a side of road.
he turn to his girl and say:
"baby, i love you very much"
"what is it honey?"
"our car is broke down. i think the engine is broken. ill walk and get some fuel."
"good idea. keep the doors locked no matter what. i love you sweaty"

so the guy left to go get full for the car. after two hours the girl say "where is my baby, he was supposed to be back by now". then the girl here a scratching sound and voice say "LET ME IN"

the girl doesnt do it and then after a while she goes to sleep. the next morning she wakes up and finds her boyfriend still not there. she gets out to check and man door hand hook car door

Ehhhhh, i don't get it.

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither has he.

EDIT: corrected.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

















Coz he's married.

Shit! Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder!

How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?
Blind date.

What goes ring-ring, ring-ring, ring, Ahhhhhhh!
Stevie Wonder answering the iron

Bob Marley 9-20-2015
NEVER FORGET

So, this famous psychologist discovers a test to see if someone is actually psychotic or not. It takes a while, but he convinces an institute for the criminally insane to let him try it on the residents. They set him up with a state-of-the-art exam room, hook the first test subject up to EKGs, EEGs, wires everywhere - you get the idea.

The doctor points at his nose, and asks "What is this?"

The subjects eyes narrow, sweat beads on his brow, and after a moment he stutters "Um... ear?"

The doctor shouts "FAIL! Bring in the next subject!"

The day goes on like this, then the week - every case is the same. At the most, a subject makes it as far as one or two body parts in, then misses something obvious and is sent back to his or her room.

Finally, the doctor gets to the very last patient in the whole facility. He points to his nose, and the patient perkily replies "Nose!" The doctor points to his ear, and immediately gets "Ear!" The doctor points to his chin, and "Chin!" This is the first patient to make it to three correct identifications! The doctor's getting into it now, and is pointing at body parts as fast as the patient can get them out: "Knee!" "Shoulder!" "Clavicle" "Forearm!" "Index finger!"

After two hours of this, the doctor collapses into his chair and proclaims "SUCCESS!!!! This man is free to go! He's completely sane! I'm sure of it!"

Back in the common area, having packed all of his things, all of the remaining inmates crowd eagerly around their freed comrade. "How did you do it?" one of them eagerly asks.

The man nods knowingly, taps the side of his head, and replies, "Kidneys."

i hear so many Sad Trumpets at the end of each post.

FUCKING. LOVE. IT.

WHY DID THE HIP HOP RAPPER GUY CARRY AN UMBRELLA?

FO'DRIZZLE.

UglyCasanova wrote:My girlfriend was putting her makeup on. I told her that she had drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

This made me more happy than it should have!!!