The Confessions Thread

[MEC]

Tell them that their recent sustenance is a blessing from God.
If they question you, remind them that their lack of faith could lead to burning for eternity.

If that fails, you should probably murder them and then list "Natural Causes" as the cause of death on the autopsy form.

Actually, murdering them should probably be your first option. Two birds, one stone.

Then become a country crooner which is what I thought you wrote the first time I read it.

[PetZounds]

I had this EXACT same problem a few weeks ago.
Really all you have to do is get very, very angry when they ask questions like that.
Scaring your family into submission is the southern way.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the only proper way to wrangle a family.
"I BUST MY ASS ALL WEEK TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DECENT FUCKING MEAL EVERY NIGHT!
DON'T QUESTION ME OR I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"

[Ugly Nora]

wait you're kidding right? isn't that illegal in more than one way?

I have no idea, I'm not a lawyer.

country crooner

I had this EXACT same problem a few weeks ago.
Really all you have to do is get very, very angry when they ask questions like that.
Scaring your family into submission is the southern way.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the only proper way to wrangle a family.
"I BUST MY ASS ALL WEEK TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DECENT FUCKING MEAL EVERY NIGHT!
DON'T QUESTION ME OR I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"

Ungrateful bastards.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlwY6Is7Y4o[/youtube]

[alexa.]

Or you could.. you know.. stop eating meat?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7YH7usafZY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFPsvF3UOdo

People are doing fine without meat :P

[John]

Dear Reaganomics Victim:

Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's been blessed. And everything should be just fine.

Just fine.

(quoted from memory)

[KaosCill8r]

Got a problem I am hoping you guys could help me with.

I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's my secret, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge." If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand.

What do I tell my family?

Tell them the truth. Tell them its long pork. The other, other white meat. Genghis Khan was once heard to say that the worst part about eating Chinese people was that half an hour later he was hungry again.

[Twangasaurus]

Yeah man, just got to avoid the brain bits. Don't want that CJD.

[alexa.]

I am a didgeridoo.

[wafl]

I am a didgeridoo.

dat drones

[PetZounds]

Confession:
There is a skeleton inside me, trying desperately to get out.
He tries to tear at my flesh to escape, but I won't let him.

I am in control.

[Achtane]

Sometimes I try to picture people's skeletons as I'm watching or interacting with them. Like x-ray vision.

[phantasmagorovich]

Sometimes I try to picture people's skeletons as I'm watching or interacting with them. Like x-ray vision.

I do that with their skulls.

[weed_killer]

I'm thin enough that it's not too much of a stretch, haha.

[UglyCasanova]

The neighbours having loud sex woke me up. Got horny. Fapped.

[Disarm D'arcy]

It's probable that if I heard my neighbors having loud sex, I'd puke myself and have instant diarrhea. Adolf and Eva really aren't cool.