Life changes thread: What up y'all?

[friendship]

I'm really glad to hear that you've forgiven yourself. I don't think any of us set out to be "bad" people (except psychopaths I guess) or make mistakes on purpose. I think you're right—I did my best with the tools and information I had, insufficient as they may have been. How could I have done anything else? At any age, it's our first time being alive (that we're aware of, anyway). Our entire lives are a process of becoming.

[dubkitty]

and the 20th/21st centuries did not come with a handbook.

[friendship]

Boy they sure didn't huh

I gave it some more thought and I think my answer was too focused on material/social/external changes. While it's true the outer markers of my life are very similar to what they were 10 years ago, my inner world has gone through a lot of changes. A lot of emotional and dare I say spiritual growth took place, and while going through it was pretty grueling, I think I've become a better person: more responsible, more patient, more compassionate, more grateful, more oriented towards the things that truly matter in life (or at least, to me). 10 years ago I was bitter, angry, reactive, and emotionally buried in a crypt. I am... less so now. I am finally beginning to understand that I don't have to carry an accumulated lifetime of pain with me everywhere I go.

I still go on and on and on about myself though.

[dubkitty]

i think many folks do. hey, it’s a subject i know well.

i should note that just because i’ve learned to forgive myself doesn’t mean that i’d expect my former partners, friends, etc. to do or that i forgive them. i really disappointed people who loved me and vice versa, and they’ll never get un-disappointed. those marriages and relationships are gone, and nothing could possibly bring them back.

which is probably for the best. if those people and i were ever right for each other, we certainly weren’t by the time the ship ran aground. i’ve resisted the urge to do anything more than Google them because i know there’d be no point. either we’d still be at loggerheads, wouldn’t care, or at worst would wish we hadn’t failed and fruitlessly try again. i’m fairly content to let the past be past at this point because though i’m not entirely a different person than i was i’m different enough that the people from back then wouldn’t fit any more. my experiences in the late 90s and 00s reconnecting with folks i lived with/around in the 70s-80s were bitterly sad. and after my best friend i’d known since 14 died in the pandemic there’s not much to go back for.

i’m very afraid of becoming a lost, lonely old man with nobody outside myself. i never have been good at making friends other than with a guitar. as Richey Edwards wrote, “the only way to gain approval is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me.” and it’s going to be worse when i’m the only freak at the senior center. having never expected to live this long, i haven’t a clue about how to deal with many aspects of being old and arguably in the way.

[dubkitty]

i almost threw away my current relationship because i didn’t know how to take care of Becky and felt she was too preoccupied with her stuff. fortunately she waited for sense to return to my brain, and for me to crash and burn when returning to online dating. i don’t ever want to disappoint her again. women have loved me, but not with such a fierce, abiding, and insistent love or such an ability to find ways to make my life better.

[dubkitty]

i guess some people think the centuries did come with a handbook, but unfortunately Das Kapital, Mein Kampf, (“My War” in English when Rollins used it for an album title), the Prosperity Gospel, The Fountainhead, Project 2025, or irredentist 19th century “scientific racism” didn’t take us anywhere more desireable.