i'm troubled

[lost in music]

I'm so sorry, dubkitty. I've been struggling a lot over here, myself. Back in October, everything seemed to be getting to be too much for me to handle. Felt like I was just white-knuckling life. so I made my first psychologist and psychiatrist appointments since I was a teenager. Was diagnosed back then with ADHD inattentive type and social anxiety disorder, but didn't give a shit because I was a teenager. I should have sought help years ago, but I've been masking my symptoms because I haven't really had the time or money to seek treatment. I still don't, but I feel like the situation has been nearing emergency levels.

I've had my first appointments and tbh, not tremendously impressed with the practice I chose. Like, the therapist has dropped the ball several times on our teleconferencing sessions and I have had to be the one to reach out and say "hey, hello? we've got an appointment over here!" But I'm just starting out and I know that if I tried looking for new doctors that I would end up getting derailed and unable to deal with anything anymore.

I'm so sorry about your dog. Part of what is worrying me so much is that I'm the primary caregiver for my family's cats and dogs. If I dropped the ball on them, my wife wouldn't be able to care for them properly (issues of her own) and it would be way too much of a burden on my daughter. But around October, I lost the energy to play with the cats every night like I used to. Like, I was just too exhausted and would stare at them and say "I'm sorry guys..." I've had to buy them little battery operated toys from the pet store, which fortunately they like, but it's not the same. I'm definitely scared that I could lose my ability to support them if I can't support myself.

going back to your original post:

i'm blowing off the Flaming Lips on Tuesday because i don't want to deal with the awful parking situation around the Wharf area in DC; there's really no convenient street parking, and i don't see the point in spending $40 at the parking garage for a show that cost $30.

Holy shit, I went to a Wolf Alice show at Union Stage back in Nov. The two tickets cost about $60 total, but parking was definitely like $40, tacos and a beer at a little restaurant near the parking garage somehow cost $50. The show was worth it, but total sticker shock at the costs of navigating that neighborhood. I need a different strategy if I ever end up going back there.

Anyway, hope you have a good day today and that you can get the help you need. I see that tumbleweeds blow through this message board nowadays, but I've always appreciated your posts. Feel well.

[dubkitty]

i thought i should do an update for those who care about me. i'm gradually--VERY gradually--getting better. i'm still so dysfunctional that i can't even deal with shopping, but the anxiety is lessening though still present. i hit absolute bottom in December, and am now trying to claw my way back. one nice thing is that my shrink suggested i take benzos before bed because my sleep has been horribly disrupted...i've been getting maybe four hours a night for weeks. so i took an Ativan before going to bed last night and slept all the way through till 6:30. i feel very different today, and am coping better. i don't think i can do that every night, though, because i don't want to wind up addicted to benzos again having done twice in my life. Becky suggested i do it for a week to "reboot my sleep cycle," and i'm going to do that. i actually felt like i might want to play guitar yesterday for the first time in months. my self-discipline is quite lacking, which makes it very difficult to improve because it requires doing things i really don't want to do which for a depressed person is virtually everything. but i'm going to get better. i'm determined, and the other day i felt like i wasn't anywhere near better but could see it from where i am.

[lost in music]

Hey, glad to hear from you again. Definitely be careful about the benzos. I had a relative who was addicted to them - definitely a nightmare to get her off.

I've been making some small improvements since my last time on this thread as well. Today could be a better day, to tell you the truth, but things take time.

[echorec]

i'm gradually--VERY gradually--getting better.

Glad to hear you're making some incremental progress.

[cosmicevan]

This is awesome news. It's incredible how much our sleep is tied to EVERYTHING else. Here's hoping the positive trends continue!!!

[Heraclitus Akimbo]

Glad to hear it and to see you drop by.

[Monarch]

Did you tried modafinil then

[coldbrightsunlight]

This is awesome news. It's incredible how much our sleep is tied to EVERYTHING else. Here's hoping the positive trends continue!!!

Yeah seriously sleep seems so important to general physical and mental health!

I'm really glad to hear you're doing better dubkitty

[cosmicevan]

just dropping in to see how the spring(?) is doing for you? I know for me, the warmer weather has me humming a bit and I'm feeling pretty alive. Have also been really focusing on plentiful (but not too plentiful) and regular sleep and it really does wonders. Hope everyone who follows this thread (esp our OP, DubK) is doing better than usual.

[dubkitty]

things have been up and down. recently i had a bad period where i didn't take a shower for two weeks, which made me realize i had to start trying to get myself together. so i put myself on a program of showering, shaving, and brushing my teeth every day and walking a half-mile a day. i decided i would go see Sigur Ros when they're in DC next month; it's really a stretch for me with my anxiety, the 100-mile drive, and everything. when the tickets went on sale in February i didn't see how i could possibly do it given my condition, but i've improved some since then and when i saw the setlists from the Mexico shows i knew i had to go. that was the motivation to get myself on the program, because i have to be in some sort of passable shape to do it.

my sleep is close to normal now, but only because i'm on klonopin and Lunesta. still have anxiety that's crippling at times, and spend lots of time playing games on the iPhone to keep me from thinking about stuff. but i have improved since the start of this thread, and hopefully will continue to do so. it's really frustrating how slow it is getting better, and i sometimes despair of ever getting my old self back. but i'm still trying. going out to play music with a friend here on Wednesday...i've hardly been playing at all but thought it might be good for me.

lately i hardly feel anything emotional at all...i'm all locked inside of myself and don't know how to get out. i'm hoping that seeing SR, whose music is dear to me and really affects me emotionally, will help with that. but i'm still having a hard time. i don't know what else to do.

[dubkitty]

i haven't been here much in recent months because i've lost interest in buying new gear. i spent a ton of money in the last couple of years amassing equipment, clothing, etc. and spending almost everything i made. when i got sick i started feeling horribly self-indulgent and feel like i have way too much stuff. i really ought to sell some of it off, but i just don't have the energy to deal with the process.