ilovefuzz.com

Obligatory TL;DR/Warning, contains rambling.

Let me preface this thread by saying blogs helped ruin the internet.
I've resisted creating one of my own and yet, that may be changing; as here I am about to post some typical, self-centered blog content.
The type of self-agrandizing you see in comment sections on videos and op-ed sites.
But the intent is with a bit more depth, and desire for it to resonate with a few individuals, because it comes from a genuine place of inner turmoil.

I consider myself an artist. A watcher, an outsider...possibly an archivist.
I enjoy arranging ideas, objects and symbols in a context based on whatever or whichever perspective I'm feeling in the moment.
But even doing what I enjoy most has a dark side, and is the subject of inner dilemma.

When the time comes to share my creations, I don't want to be a whore.
Nor a celebrity, although such a prospect is highly unlikely...the drawbacks seem to outweigh the perks.
It's a simple pleasure, being able to go about daily business without being disturbed or detained by strangers.
Well, sometimes...solicitors are everywhere now but I digress...

With fame comes fortune and fortune begets fame; and while everyone wants to be free of financial worry, I think the rich and famous make lousy artists, with rare outliers.
The best creative statements and offerings seem to arise from genuine want and need, struggle and even desperation.
The old tormented, starving artist caricature.

Once the hunger and inspiration is gone, and perhaps the mystique and innocence...what remains is desperation to maintain a (newly embraced) lifestyle of comfort which just doesn't cut it...and identifying a conspicuous phony/fame whore...someone who's in it for superficial reasons is all too easy.
Too many times have I witness humble and sincere roots develop into foul tasting fruits, late in the game.

So anyway, my chosen medium of the moment is sound and sonic manipulation. Musician, I guess...but I only sorta play instruments.
Only sorta from wanting to do things my own way and keep myself selectively ignorant; in order to expand the opportunities for discovery and personal growth on my journey. Also because I'm stubborn....and ignorance is bliss. So while I am in fact hungry for knowledge, knowing kills mystique.

To me it seems very few musicians blaze what I'd consider a path of progression and many fall-off, into a rut after coming out strong.

Where am I going with this? Good question, lets find out together...

I grew up with a semi-charmed upper middle class childhood of comforts, with some decent connections due to happenstance; but there was no shortage of struggle once adolescence hit.
The nitty gritty details are best left for another day.

When I was a kid I thought I wanted to be a cartoonist. Late teens I wanted to be a writer.
Early 20s a DJ. Mid 20s an A/V guy+engineer. Late 20s an artist.

All along the way, doing my own thing.

In spite of all the aspiring, doodled daydreams and vision sketches...I never really had anything to say that was/is worth saying until enduring some real physical, mental and emotional struggle/duress.

I'd eventually like to share what it is I've been cultivating for the past few years. And never take a moment of it for granted.

But....I don't want to be co-opted by phonies, hacks and poseurs. Who does?
I really want to limit who it is that can profit off me and my art.
In the past, some people have taken an outright predatory approach and attitude of entitlement to what it is that I do.
Sometimes I think the best way to insulate myself against this is by not offering anything to the world.
But how cowardly and selfish is that? Disgusting.
To further complicate matters I have what can best be described as leeriness and disdain for businessmen.
I'm not avert to compromise, unless it comes to core principles and integrity.

Any insight into how I can best navigate this rocky road?
I feel like I was born too late yet somehow still ahead of my time; and I'm doomed to ever find a sympathetic audience.
But I like to share. There's personal fulfillment in being a people pleasing jackass.
I just want to please certain people without pandering, and it starts with myself.

Is there a culture or environment that better suits me or should I shut up, stop overthinking things and fester in obscurity?


I've got a lot on my mind lately...thanks for letting me use this forum to organize some of my thoughts.
It feels like nobody understands...and everyone is just chasing money...not just money, easy money. Yuck.

...and I know this is aint orginal...like the fact I tend to hate most everything I make and revise myself when I view it in hindsight.
And this while trying to respect historical context.
This thread serves as a typical example; which I'm now thinking should be in General Discussion.
Or nowhere, and not worth reading at all.

Damnit. Hey modbros, if you're reading this and think it's better suited to the other forum then plz move it.
Otherwise just leave it to fade into oblivion or find some sort of usefulness. I'm not trying to be an annoyance with trivialities...
I typed this to clear my head and it's only raised new questions, heh. My life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh hi Holden, I really liked that book JD wrote about you a while ago.

You're conflating publishing (as in, 'making public') creative work with fame. That's pretty egotistical, and an order of magnitude away from what will probably happen--some people will like it, some people won't, and most people will ignore it.

You're also getting suckered into the Gen X. con of "I don't want to be a business, dude, I just want to create!" when, as time has shown us by now, all those "slacker champions" worked their asses off to get where they were. You don't become "famous" by happenstance. It takes real work, but it's the kind of "real work" that a lot of creative people are afraid to do/bad at, which is why they retreat into creative things in the first place.

It's much easier to act like a musician/writer/artist whatever than it is to actually be one. But until you, you know, actually put something out for public consumption, you can't be counted in the ranks.

I have so many conflicted thoughts on this subject but I can't seem to accurately put them into words..
Thank you for starting this discussion though. If I feel I can provide any insight despite my age and inexperience I'll be sure to do so.

D.o.S. wrote:Oh hi Holden, I really liked that book JD wrote about you a while ago.

You're conflating publishing (as in, 'making public') creative work with fame. That's pretty egotistical, and an order of magnitude away from what will probably happen--some people will like it, some people won't, and most people will ignore it.

You're also getting suckered into the Gen X. con of "I don't want to be a business, dude, I just want to create!" when, as time has shown us by now, all those "slacker champions" worked their asses off to get where they were. You don't become "famous" by happenstance. It takes real work, but it's the kind of "real work" that a lot of creative people are afraid to do/bad at, which is why they retreat into creative things in the first place.

It's much easier to act like a musician/writer/artist whatever than it is to actually be one. But until you, you know, actually put something out for public consumption, you can't be counted in the ranks.

Truer words...

And I did warn you about the self-agrandizing nature of these thoughts.
Ego certainly plays a big role, as much as I'd prefer to keep it in check and set aside.
I'm no longer concerned with being cool, I just want to be honest.
Meeting expectations is where I seem to struggle most. From myself, from others.
In a perfect world I would defy them every time and not make trouble for myself.
And yet, I'm not fearful of failure so much as I'm fearful of success.
I don't necessarily think that's unique to the gen-x slacker culture...especially when "success" is open to such broad interpretation...

But "being counted in the ranks" is something that I find a bit unsettling.
As-are the parallels drawn from your Catcher In The Rye reference, which I had to Google to understand. Never read it.
Like I said, far from original thoughts/feelings....but they sure aint transplants.

I'm not about going against the grain for sake of spite or to be a contrarian...I guess I'm just trying to have fun, march to the beat of my own drum, and said modus operandi lends itself to that end.
Anyway, thanks for your insight and unintentional book recommendation, I'll check it out someday.

And @backwardsvoyager, a name most appropriate to this topic.

copious amounts of drugs and alcohol fixes what fame undoes

Greenfuz wrote:copious amounts of drugs and alcohol fixes what fame undoes

Truerer words...

You have to just make what you make and put it out there regardless of what people are going to think... No disrespect but you're not sitting on the next platinum record so who cares what you put out or how many people hear it or what they think... You are WAY over thinking ART and what an ARTIST does and that's what businessmen do... Just Do It and read CITR...

Hey no offense taken.
If I've left you with the impression that I worry about critique then I've failed to communicate my intent in making this thread.
That's def my fault for trying to say so much in such a small amount of space...and trying to shoot from the hip & talk myself through the idea process.

I want to make a record, that much I know.
I want it to be great by my own personal yardstick, not who it gets compared to or # of units it moves...if any.
I'm not anticipating it to chart by any means, because I'm not setting out to make a pop record. But yeah it would be nice to come out in the black.
Because it is going to be a record, that much is certain...whether it's a single or EP and 7" 10" or 12" remains to be seen, heard.
I'll know when recording.
But I want it to be more than a record. Not in some delusions of grandeur way, I mean literally more than a record.
I don't think I'm ready to package it with an iOS/android app or any of that other new age incentive, but do want to include other forms of relevant swag that enhance the overall buying/listening experience.
The details of this vision have slowly been coming into focus.
Meshing art with business is unavoidable, I do recognize that.
I just want to keep it in-house, as much as possible.
What I really don't want is to offer something that's personal to me, only to have it commoditized by the same types of opportunistic swine who have contributed to the angst that is making this project possible.
I can handle the prospect that it may fall on deaf ears. I think...

I'm not really concerned with people singing my praises or defaming what it is I do.
I'm going to keep doing what I think sounds good with or without audience.
Haters gonna hate...poseurs gonna fake.
But yes, a very real part of me longs to connect with others who feel as I do...while somehow managing to continue lurking in the shadows.
....and accomplish this without (or limited) gimmick/pretense....which again, seem to be doomed from the start based on all these contradictions and aspiration.

Pulling off such a feat feels more improbable than the potential of me becoming a pop star.


Maybe Buckethead has some advice?

I should try shutting up about it and keep biding time. That's probably a good start.

Stop biding. Start doing.

Not to get too Costner, but you gotta build it before the homies to show up.

Most definitely.

But not doing is the ultimate zen form of doing

I have a similar delusion of grandeur

Greenfuz wrote:I have a similar delusion of grandeur

Sometimes I wonder and then sometimes you do that...

I don't even remember what made me start thinking about this, but cant seem to forget the topic now that I've broken the seal.

Oh, right. It was a rainy mess of a day and my car won't start. Luckily it happened at home.

Keep it moving. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

Edit: Outstanding use of marquee, Son

Sidenote--have you watched Sweat Blood and Vinyl? Lots of similar sentiment expressed there.

Anyway, this is definitely a conversation worth having. Don't feel badly.

If you're driven by your art, just create it.
!
Doesn't matter if you're in a culture that is filled with blind, deaf zombies.

It's not like putting out an album costs real money these days - once you've paid for the gear, all you have from that point on is to put in the time and do the work.

Creating non-commercial, net loss music since '90 that answers to no one but me and the occasional collaborators I work with.