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Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 4:09 pm
by MEC
Tell them that their recent sustenance is a blessing from God.
If they question you, remind them that their lack of faith could lead to burning for eternity.
If that fails, you should probably murder them and then list "Natural Causes" as the cause of death on the autopsy form.
Actually, murdering them should probably be your first option. Two birds, one stone.
Then become a country crooner which is what I thought you wrote the first time I read it.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 5:19 pm
by PetZounds
I had this EXACT same problem a few weeks ago.
Really all you have to do is get very, very angry when they ask questions like that.
Scaring your family into submission is the southern way.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the only proper way to wrangle a family.
"I BUST MY ASS ALL WEEK TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DECENT FUCKING MEAL EVERY NIGHT!
DON'T QUESTION ME OR I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 7:04 pm
by Ugly Nora
ChetMagongalo wrote:wait you're kidding right? isn't that illegal in more than one way?
I have no idea, I'm not a lawyer.
MEC wrote: country crooner
PetZounds wrote:I had this EXACT same problem a few weeks ago.
Really all you have to do is get very, very angry when they ask questions like that.
Scaring your family into submission is the southern way.
As far as I'm concerned, it's the only proper way to wrangle a family.
"I BUST MY ASS ALL WEEK TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DECENT FUCKING MEAL EVERY NIGHT!
DON'T QUESTION ME OR I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"
Ungrateful bastards.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlwY6Is7Y4o[/youtube]
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:29 pm
by alexa.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:33 pm
by John
Dear Reaganomics Victim:
Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's been blessed. And everything should be just fine.
Just fine.
(quoted from memory)
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 4:37 am
by KaosCill8r
Ugly Nora wrote:Got a problem I am hoping you guys could help me with.
I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper and ta-da!
The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's my secret, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge." If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand.
What do I tell my family?
Tell them the truth. Tell them its long pork. The other, other white meat. Genghis Khan was once heard to say that the worst part about eating Chinese people was that half an hour later he was hungry again.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 4:59 am
by Twangasaurus
Yeah man, just got to avoid the brain bits. Don't want that CJD.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:38 am
by alexa.
I am a didgeridoo.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 5:56 pm
by wafl
alexa. wrote:I am a didgeridoo.
dat drones
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:16 pm
by PetZounds
Confession:
There is a skeleton inside me, trying desperately to get out.
He tries to tear at my flesh to escape, but I won't let him.
I am in control.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:27 pm
by Achtane
Sometimes I try to picture people's skeletons as I'm watching or interacting with them. Like x-ray vision.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:35 pm
by phantasmagorovich
Achtane wrote:Sometimes I try to picture people's skeletons as I'm watching or interacting with them. Like x-ray vision.
I do that with their skulls.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:36 pm
by weed_killer
I'm thin enough that it's not too much of a stretch, haha.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:40 am
by UglyCasanova
The neighbours having loud sex woke me up. Got horny. Fapped.
Re: The Confessions Thread
Posted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 4:54 am
by Disarm D'arcy
It's probable that if I heard my neighbors having loud sex, I'd puke myself and have instant diarrhea. Adolf and Eva really aren't cool.
