ilovefuzz.com

my band played this festival last weekend called "Gathering of the Clouds" and i forgot to even suggest that we play song of storms.

i'm having one of those mornings where you wake up and just feel like crying. how can it only have been two weeks since Valentines' Day? things seemed to be going so well then, and now it seems like EVERYTHING's gone to hell

my best friend is getting annoying with his warnings about his female flatmate i really got to know yesterday on the party. She's got an awesome taste in music and we talked to each other for quite a long time and it was cool. I was glad i've found a new friend

but then he comes to the picture with his warnings of her being a total psycho hose bitch

EXTENSIVE, ANNOYING WARNINGS

I'M NOT FIVE ANYMORE, DUDE... NOONE CAN FORBID ME BEING FRIENDS WITH ANYONE ANYMORE...

no, we didn't hook up or anything. She's hot, but i'm taken and even though there has been some really bad moments lately between me and my beloved, i'm not a dick and do not want nto be unfaithful ever again

i just had to make one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make. i talked to my lawyer and told him to call Kim and tell her that if she'll sign the truck over to me i'll let her come and get the cat with no further court proceedings. i can't spend any more time tied to the White Whale...if i keep fighting her i'll never be free of her. which is what she wants. i can't stand to let my best friend go...but i can't fight any more. and just as i typed that 'Dinho let out a pathetic yowl from in front of the heater, as if he understood. fuck, i hate my life and everything it represents. i wish God would take me home.

I found Major Organ and The Adding Machine on vinyl on sale for $5. I can't spend A FUCKING CENT though.

Sucks, because I don't have a laptop, or the cd right now, so I can't listen to it right now, either.

Umm you are posting online so check out Last.fm cause we have an ILF group and you could join and listen to this group...

http://www.last.fm/music/Major+Organ+and+the+Adding+Machine

This cold is skullfucking me into submission.

OMG I can't stand being in this class any longer at all. I've already taken an exam, then fallen asleep surfed the web and the class still won't end.

sonidero wrote:Umm you are posting online so check out Last.fm cause we have an ILF group and you could join and listen to this group...

http://www.last.fm/music/Major+Organ+and+the+Adding+Machine

I'm on my 3DS. No java or flash. D:

I'm having a weird night. I just don't feel normal. It's hard to explain.

i took a four hour nap because i felt horrible. now i still feel horrible, it's nine o'clock, and i'll probably be up all night. the only woman who answers my e-mails is the one who told me i'm not a possibility. i haven't worked in a year and a half. if they don't get the next unemployment-based temporary deferment on my mortgage sorted, they'll foreclose on March 7th; i've been through this before and they pulled it out, but that doesn't make it any easier. my roommate buggered off, which most likely means the band project we were going to do is also shot. my ex won my cat from me in court, and i have to turn him over. and my laptop puked. i'd say that i've just about hit bottom, but that would be tempting fate to make the truck blow up or the house catch fire. i've improved since last fall, but i sort of miss being suicidal...at least then i felt like there was some kind of escape.

A while ago I kinda shelved the stuff that was majorly troubling me. Of course since then other things have cropped up, but I feel like I've just been avoiding reality. I'm not doing what I should be doing or what I want to do at all. Man, my life is passing me by. Maybe this isn't the right thread for this. Actually, a forum isn't the place for this, but I'm semi-anonymous so eh.
I'm only going to school right now in hopes of maybe finding a direction to move in. That doesn't feel genuine. Even though I say I'm trying to find a direction, the way I'm going about it is really haphazard and ineffective.
Speaking of thinking, yeah, thinking deeply is what I've been avoiding for a while now. It used to keep me up for hours every night, but I've been drowning that out with whatever was necessary to stay occupied long enough to just go to sleep and begin on the next day. I'm just wasting time and making no progress doing that though.
I daydream all the time, so much that fairly often I actively have to make myself not space out, but I only "think" when I'm trying to go to sleep. Like a bed and no available method of recording any thought is what allows me to get deep in it.
I'm gonna have to start changing things around soon. All of this is more of an observation than me feeling particularly negative or angsty at the moment though. Kinda like one of those emails you send to yourself a year later.

One thing that does really bother me is that I suck at using words to fully express what I really want to express. It never comes out exactly like I'm feeling it, and even putting it into words makes it feel automatically weakened and hollow. I wonder if this is something that can be improved with better writing skills or if it's always kinda like that. Probably the former helps. Maybe in the end it's still like that. I just repeated myself.

Dubkitty, man, I want things to get better for you. That's about as concise a way I can put it, and I think the way that's structured makes it seem like it's a sentiment of pity or something, but that's not it.
And I think what I just wrote might look patronizing now. I swear that's not what I'm trying to convey though.
SEE?! And now I made it about myself.
It's something I wanted to say, but doing so cheapened it. But I didn't not want to say it. Double negatives, yo.

it's cool. don't over-think it. the fact that you care at all is meaningful to me

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about stuff, but doing it on a loop in the back of my mind while i'm on the computer if that makes any sense. having to look at stuff like what i'm going to do with my whole life is terrifying enough that i really can't just sit down and face it...i have to kind of sidle up to it like a teenager trying to cop a feel. how do you sit down in an orderly way and consider "if i have to run for it, where do i go?" without going into a panic?

and now, just to make everything even nicer, the winter storm we've admittedly been needing for ages has arrived and is pelting us with chilly rain. oo-rah.

Since my PC died, I've been a lazy poster. I'm just getting sick of typing on a touch keyboard with a stylus, so I lurk and give short responces usually.

@Archane: I understand where you're at. A year or two ago, I went through something similar and ended up destroying my gpa and withdrawing a semester later. I'd suggest regular meditation, honestly. It might help you figure out your goals, and give you the mental downtime to start having deep thought without stressing.

@Señor DubKitty: I've been reading your posts recently, too. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I haven't been responding because I felt like you deserved more of a response than that, but that's dumb. I really hope things look up for you, soon. You seem like way too nice of a guy for the stuff that's been happening.