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kbithecrowing wrote:

jfrey wrote:I sometimes wish that I could be more self destructive when I am sad.

Why's that?

Because it must be relieving to be able to just let go.

Hmm. To me it seems like self-destruction wouldn't really be letting go. Maybe letting go of inhibition and following through with some action, but to me it seems a self-destructive choice would be highly related to the sadness: reactionary, potentially perpetuating the emotion.

i am just drunk and sad but it's okay. i confess that i often just want to be dead but i know i would never do anything to make that happen. i read a quote somewhere a while ago "it's like the feeling you get every morning when you think about killing yourself but you know you're not going to".

being self destructive feels GREATLY satisfying initially, but will usually always just fuck things up in the long term.. sigh

I like fish tanks way to much. I have severe relationship problems in that I can't keep one together hah. I spend way to much on gear and flip not as much as I should (ex. Sell 2 pedals, justify buying a guitar and 8 new pedals)I have about 40 pedals at any given time, and probably only use 3-4. It pisses people in my life off that I can coast in vacation mode in my certain situation and live and pay bills and buy lots of gear. I probably need a therapist. I never confessed anything before.

stripes wrote:i am just drunk and sad but it's okay. i confess that i often just want to be dead but i know i would never do anything to make that happen. i read a quote somewhere a while ago "it's like the feeling you get every morning when you think about killing yourself but you know you're not going to".

I have this feeling a lot. For me that Jim Croce lyric sums it up, "I'm tired of living but I'm scared of dying." The thing that keeps me goin is hoping that in living I can, at least try to make things better. If I died this'd be it, and that truly sucks. I'd rather live and fight for a better life than die.

wfs1234 wrote:I'd rather live and fight for a better life than die.

yes. for some perverse reason i still try, or at least try TO try, despite the years of repeatedly building up a home and life only to see them destroyed due in part to my own malfeasances and failures. maybe it's just that i still want to get a record done before i die. or maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me that still thinks he can find someone to love. or that i'm afraid of pain, or death, or waking up in the hospital damaged and embarassed, or that the Catholic Church is right and suicides do indeed go straight to Hell. mostly it's that my kitty and my friend Feather really need me. and that i can't find it in my heart to give up. sometimes i lie in bed at night and ask God to take me home, but when i ask myself "can you let it go?" the answer is "no...i'm not done here, and i'm not ready yet." which given fifty-six years of struggle against lies, treachery, and deceit is kind of a surprise to me. stuck here in Chicago for the moment, i hear the freight trains in the distance and cry. tomorrow the struggle continues. it's getting to be time to pack up my things and head for the next adventure.

kbithecrowing wrote:Hmm. To me it seems like self-destruction wouldn't really be letting go. Maybe letting go of inhibition and following through with some action, but to me it seems a self-destructive choice would be highly related to the sadness: reactionary, potentially perpetuating the emotion.

+1
letting go feels like nothing to me. it's just empty in a way, but the peace is so.. untouchable

fishtankdork wrote:I like fish tanks way to much. I have severe relationship problems in that I can't keep one together hah. I spend way to much on gear and flip not as much as I should (ex. Sell 2 pedals, justify buying a guitar and 8 new pedals)I have about 40 pedals at any given time, and probably only use 3-4. It pisses people in my life off that I can coast in vacation mode in my certain situation and live and pay bills and buy lots of gear. I probably need a therapist. I never confessed anything before.

Congratulations on your first confession Catharsis is awesome.

STRIPES AND DUB NEED TO LIVE...

Everyone has ups and downs... Yall are both too creative and good souls to leave the rest of those here without you...

I'M NOT DEAD YET

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh8mNjeuyV4[/youtube]

at more than one Grateful Dead concert in the 1980s my show buddy and i cracked up the people nearby by shouting in Monty Python voice "BRING OUT THE DEAD!" but that wasn't nearly as funny as the New Years' Eve show where i got an entire section of the balcony to play The Ride of the Valkyries on our party horns.

Everybody here is Good Peeps (most of us) and we need to stick together...

i lean on y'all a LOT.

dubkitty wrote:

wfs1234 wrote:I'd rather live and fight for a better life than die.

yes. for some perverse reason i still try, or at least try TO try, despite the years of repeatedly building up a home and life only to see them destroyed due in part to my own malfeasances and failures. maybe it's just that i still want to get a record done before i die. or maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me that still thinks he can find someone to love. or that i'm afraid of pain, or death, or waking up in the hospital damaged and embarassed, or that the Catholic Church is right and suicides do indeed go straight to Hell. mostly it's that my kitty and my friend Feather really need me. and that i can't find it in my heart to give up. sometimes i lie in bed at night and ask God to take me home, but when i ask myself "can you let it go?" the answer is "no...i'm not done here, and i'm not ready yet." which given fifty-six years of struggle against lies, treachery, and deceit is kind of a surprise to me. stuck here in Chicago for the moment, i hear the freight trains in the distance and cry. tomorrow the struggle continues. it's getting to be time to pack up my things and head for the next adventure.

This post SO MUCH, so much of what you said resonates with how I feel. I've been asking god that since I was ten years old. It sucks that people have to feel this way.

I've never been able to watch The Sopranos.

ShaunNecro wrote:It sucks that people have to feel this way.

this is depression, and those feelings are what depression does to you. i'm not saying everybody can or should deal with it in the same way, or as i do...rather, i'm trying to shine a light on the elephant in the room. i found it oddly reassuring when i was diagnosed. "now i know what it IS."

I listened to the Mars Volta for the first time today, and I think they would sound so much better if they were instrumental...