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i'm a much older version of this. my best friend died during lockdown, and she's irreplaceable. we met when we were 14, and saw each other go through everything. i have no-one else i really trust other than my girlfriend. the people i was closest to at various points drifted away, or i lost them when i relocated. at 68 it's extremely hard to meet anyone in my age cohort who isn't already mentally and physically checked out. much less anyone to play music with. it could be worse, though...i'm not very good in social situations and staying home and being quiet probably saves me a lot of pain. when Becky dies i'm really going to be fucked, though. i have a load of online "friends," few of whom would notice i'd died after a few weeks. i have no idea what to do about ity, either; i'm probably not going to meet compatible folks at the senior center (like i ever go there). i'm afraid my memory has been getting worse for decades, and a bout of long COVID didn't help at all. i can remember some specific things from the past with crystal clarity, but often can't recall why i came into this room. the COVID fucked up my cognition as well. i just don't process as well as i did, especially where math is concerned. it's changed my playing consciousness somewhat in ways that have positive and negative aspects.

i am in an extremely bad place right now. after the election i emotionally shut down. recently i was decent for a week and a half, but the inauguration has sent me straight to hell. i had to get Becky to give me an opiated pain pill last night so i could stand to be in my body. doubling and tripling my tranquilizer hasn’t helped mush. i’m not even looking at news for the time being, and staying firmly in the Following tab on Twitter. i’m just not coping well. i can go see my psychiatrist, but i’ve already been on just about every common antidepressant there is. it’s also winter which means my disabled sweetheart gets sick every few weeks and lands in the hospital. i’m not even doing well on my instrument projects. seriously, i need to go to bed for 3 or 4 days and only get up to pee or have a bowl of cereal.

it's gotten bad enough that i'm going to the psychiatrist on Wednesday. not expecting much but more of the same, as there's been no new exciting ADs announced since 2000. it's hard not to wish to die at times like this.

How'd your appointment with the psychiatrist go?

I know it's an insufferable cliché to say this, but you're not alone. It feels utterly fucking hopeless and I'm with you in that feeling. Taking it one day at a time seems like a laughably optimistic perspective right now. It's moment by moment for me, and I'm trying to squeeze what I can from it, which is very hard imo.

But you're NOT alone. You matter, and what you have to say about what you're going through matters.

he was sick, postponed till Friday. doing a bit better, but still pretty lousy.

Hope you're feeling better, and the appointment was OK. That sounds awful, and there's nothing wrong with going to bed for a few days if that's what's needed.

got postponed again…apparently he’s quite ill. i’m doing somewhat better, but am still quite out of whack. i’m trying to remember how to relax, which is not a strong point. at this point it’s kind of more aggravating that my Bipolar 2: Electric Boogaloo is disregulated…i’m overstimulated bigtime and hypersexual off and on. kind of distracting. the next thing i’m going to do to try and calm myself is hand work, specifically sanding down the fingerboard on the Hopf project guitar and cutting a new nut for the electric bouzouki. back when i first started doing guitar projects in earnest i used to call it my Occupational Therapy sessions. i was really fucked up then.

i think i’d probably feel better if i set up the big system and looped some environments, but i really need a break from fucking with pedalboards for awhile.

After a two-week battle with kidney failure, we lost our beloved cat Pecan. She was the only pet I've had as an adult for longer than 2 years, and was my partner's for years before we met. She was my best friend. Not exaggerating. I woke up and walked her to the bathroom, so I could run the sink for her. We chatted while I showered or bathed. She ate while I got ready for work, then laid on my desk most of the day. She was active in Zoom calls and let me know if I was needed outside the office. Pecan slept next to me at night. I was next to her 20+ hours a day.

I find so much has changed. I'm quieter and uninterested in music or making music. I've stopped eating mammals. I realized that I cannot watch media that trivializes life and death.

A friend's cat (who I often got to catsit for/hang out with) had a similar quick slide from healthy to sick to gone. It's a real shocker. Hope you are doing all right.

I'm doing as well as I can. We got an adorable little black kitten 3 months ago that I named Meatball. She mourned Pecan's death so hard that we got another cat from the same rescue, Beef. The last 3 days, we've been so busy focusing on slowly acclimating them to each other that we haven't had time to be sad. Right now, they are laying a few feet from each other and from my feet, so I think it has worked.
Pecan will forever be a part of me but I also have to keep going.

my girlfriend’s English bulldog died suddenly during a routine medical procedure, and it crushed both of us for months. the fact that she has a young Frenchie and i have my cat saved me. she’s getting a new EB on Saturday, and i’m chuffed. Daisy, who died, was supposed to be the Frenchie’s big sister; now Rosie will be the baby.

Got the yearly state inspection done for my car today and the place gave me an estimate of about $380 parts and labor to replace 4 lightbulbs for my sidemarkers and second brake lamps. I still need to get some work done before I get a new tag for that (got one for smog check), but I came home, looked up the part numbers online, ordered them for $9 and looked up a youtube video on how to replace them myself. I did a dry run for the brakes and was able to take the housing out, pull and replace the bulb, and put it back together in about 3 minutes tops. I swear every good or service is just like "fuck you, go into debt for this tiny and/or highly necessary thing". Unfortunately I don't know how to replace a control arm and bushing on my own, so I have to go back for that.

Generally, that's how most goods or service providers make their living w/ the high prixes, but also having a 20+ year old car as well, I immediately start researching parts & DIY how-to's when anything becomes amiss. I don't knock quality work when I can find it, but I also know that service is also paying for the roof, the employees, & my convenience.

Luckily, convenience is wholly overrated, so I'll eat this raw onion in the Ralph's parking lot & nobuddy can even stop me

I finally got through to a psychiatrist, and I have a prescription for Lexipro + a pending evaluation for ADHD. Hopefully I'll have some answers for why my brain actively seeks to kill me 90% of the time.

I really hope the Lexipro helps with my anxiety as well. Pretty much spent every night lately hyperventilating and sobbing. I fully expect everyone I know and love to be rounded up and killed at some point, myself included. I keep having nightmares about my wife and children being sent to camps. never to be seen again. I spend nights in my studio staring towards San Francisco fully expecting a white flash and nothingness.

All I want is to grow old, raise my family and maybe, just maybe, have my dream I've worked for my whole life pan out and find some success. Every day that goes by feels like the cards are stacked against me to ever know peace and happiness. I'm surviving for now, but for what? The slim chance we will all be ok? The minuscule possibility the population of my country rises up in time to stop the monster of fascism from destroying our lives? How the fuck am I supposed to breath when I'm living in the shadow of impending doom every. single. fucking. day.

I'm so tired. I'd prefer a coma over this. Anything, over this.

Fucking orange fucker and his muskrat.. can they leave nothing unmolested? They’ve even made to postal service worse.. yeah firing 100000 workers makes everything work so much smoother.. so much more efficient! Nothing lines up with tracking.. and why did my flanger go from Japan to Chicago to sit for a week to then be shipped to the west coast.. do billionaires have suicidal thoughts? How can we encourage them. No I’m not sorry.