The spite, hate, rage, apathy and mild irritation thread...

[Achtane]

Yiiiiiiiiikes.

[01010111]

edit: wrong thread.

[MaxMaps]

like a fucking addict - I had 40 short minuets that I could spent packing my santee gift or playing - instead like a dumbass I tried to trouble shoot my pc because I couldn't log on to wow.

fuck me.

[Lurker13]

like a fucking addict - I had 40 short minuets that I could spent packing my santee gift or playing - instead like a mornon I tried to trouble shoot my pc because I couldn't log on to wow.

fuck me.

Did you just call yourself a . . . Mormon?

[dubkitty]

IT's MORNON IN AMERICA!

[Achtane]

like a fucking addict - I had 40 short minuets that I could spent packing my santee gift or playing - instead like a mornon I tried to trouble shoot my pc because I couldn't log on to wow.

fuck me.

Dude I do the same kind of thing all the time.
Not to excuse it if you feel that it's a negative behavior or whatever, but sometimes you have to not be hard on yourself to be "productive" in a certain way, especially if you're so busy all the time that 40 minutes is a break.

[dubkitty]

don't even get me started. let's not even talk about the transition from GOP to GOP-lite; i have more personal things to talk about. through October and November my gf and i were having difficulties, so i threw all my spare energy into working on my guitars. the stress involved led me to two mini-nervous breakdowns during November, and i had to stop. i'm currently experiencing periodic depressive->hypomanic episodes which have me thinking i need to consult a pshcyiatrist about changes to my meds, but i'm terified to do that since the current ones are the only combination which has ever knocked back my depression to the point where i'm somewhat functional. emphasis: "somewhat."

my depression has led me to seriously reconsider whether i should even be doing music at all. i can't write for jack shit any more, and even if i could nobody wants to hear a new shoegaze project from a 64-year-old man. what's the point if all i'm doing is jerking myself off in the living room? i realize this is an extreme reaction, but i have never had a successful (in artistic terms) group that lasted more than 6 months. and i desperately want to get away from my overwhelming Jerry Garcia influence, but the only way i know to do that is to go backwards to Stills and Young. i'll neer master the techniques necessary to do a decent shoegaze recording in the rapidly shortening remainder of my life.

which in general leads me to the worst of my personal diagnoses: i have utterly failed in every aspect of my life other than upgrading myself from the factory floor to a copywriting job. my long-term relationships all died from the combination of my partners' oft-evil intent and my inability to get out of my depressive shell. i pissed away my one triumph, achieving a form of Right Livelihood by working in libraries after two brutal years of attending San Francisco City College while sleeping in the back of my van on the streets, because Wife 2 (i like to think of them like Bob 1 and Bob 2 in Devo, which fits the general narrative of my love life) convinced me to go into her desktop publishing business instead. i made more money, but sold my soul to corporate money-making. i now write advertising copy for a consumer electronics website, which to me is the diametric opposite of Right Livelihood, encouraging people to buy electronics they don't really need to feed the annual growth of the company when guaranteed growth y2y is literally destroying the planet. but at 64, i'm trapped in my occupation and can never get out. all the struggle, organizing, demonstrating, and other forms of trying to achieve change have come to naught. this country is still as backwards as it was in 1950, and at this point is as utterly irredeemable as humanity in general.

the sole work of my life there days is done in the dialectic between the scientific certainty that everything is irretrievably lost, and my need to try to find something, anything, to make me believe that life is worth living. the only thing i can come up with is that you might miss something beautiful if you go today. but even with that said, i'd have killed myself years ago had they not eliminated every gentle method (barbiturates, opiates) leaving only the ones with terror and pain as their companions: shooting, hanging, jumping off a cliff, or drowning oneself in the ocean. i'm too scared to find out how it feels when a commuter train knocks you to bits at 70MPH.

all i'm living for is Becky, who is often a very difficult person to deal with and who probably only accepts me because her handicaps leave her unattractive to anyone else, her wonderful dogs, and my sweet black kitty Otis. and the faint possibility that something might improve someday. but to quote Michael Stipe, "my humor's wearing thin." i don't know where to go from here, and see no alternative which doesn't entail failure, loss, and heartbreak. and my heart can't break many more times before it just stops. i can only post these thoughts here, because y'all will honor them rather than waving them away like the Deadheads and the Gretsch fanbois on my other forums. i may well feel differently in a couple of days when my next breakdown, exascerbated by withdrawal from the pernicious opiate they gave me after i bruised my rib in a fall on Thanksgiving morning, has passed. but i really don't know how much longer i can live in a world devoid of any meaning other than just muddling through in the hope that the shit-storm might let up to a heavy diarrheal rain.

[MaxMaps]

like a fucking addict - I had 40 short minuets that I could spent packing my santee gift or playing - instead like a mornon I tried to trouble shoot my pc because I couldn't log on to wow.

fuck me.

Did you just call yourself a . . . Mormon?

meant to call my self a dumbass but auto correct said otherwise

[Chankgeez]

40 short minuets

I'm more interested in hearing these minuets.

[dubkitty]

well, i'll be investigating new treatments stat. not like anybody cares or anything.

[MaxMaps]

40 short minuets

I'm more interested in hearing these minuets.

[Lurker13]

well, i'll be investigating new treatments stat. not like anybody cares or anything.

Sorry, dubkitty, your post prior to this one was rather overwhelming. It's hard to know what to say to someone who is in such a profound state of disarray on so many fronts, but I certainly hope you can get your issues sorted out. However, I do have a couple of specific comments.

1) Writing advertising copy is hardly nefarious. People need to accept responsibility for themselves, including their purchasing decisions. Also, many of those people probably got some happiness from those purchases, so I really don't think you should feel down over that. I worked in the defense industry for 5 years. I never lost any sleep over it, but I did have occasional "WTF am I doing here?" moments.

2) I too have been suffering from why-am-I-bothering-with-music syndrome. I started playing guitar late in life, so I will never be able to play on the level I aspire to, I'm upper middle-aged and don't have time for a band, so why bother? Every time I start playing, I kick myself for wasting time. I don't know what the answer is, but I haven't sold all my gear just yet. Perhaps we should both just relax about lofty musical goals and enjoy playing for the sake of playing.

I hope the new treatments work.

Do you meditate? If not, I recommend it highly. It has led me to a lot of self-realizations that have improved my life - improve your inner world and your outer world will follow.

Also, I will offer you the same advice I offered jwar. Consider your thoughts as if they were gifts. When you have a positive thought, say (or think) "I accept that thought", and let it linger. When you have a negative thought, say (or think) "I reject that thought" and let it go. It is a simple yet powerful technique, if you do it consistently.

You've made it this far in life, I have confidence you will make it the rest of the way.

[dubkitty]

Do you meditate? If not, I recommend it highly. It has led me to a lot of self-realizations that have improved my life - improve your inner world and your outer world will follow.

i have in the past, as you might expect from a still-unreconstructed 70s freek, but over the years have found that it doesn't play well with my depression which in many instances requires the same sort of continual mind-clearing associated with Eastern meditation of the various sorts. being unoccupied leads to heavier onslaughts of potentially deadly ideation.

i have two appointments in the next two weeks with a new psychiatrist who i will consult re: my medications, and one with an office which does what's called TMS, a treatment which literally zaps the brain with a magnetic field to reset it. i was asked to participate in an experimental study for this several years ago, but declined because enrollment required stopping all psych meds and i couldn't take that risk. so just maybe i'll have some more hopeful results to report soon. all credit to my Becca, who has done all the legwork to find me new providers while my dysfunctions make it hard for me to even sit at a computer. maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't an oncoming train. i'm guardedly hopeful for the first time in a year or two re: my psychiatric disorders.

sorry for the snarky comment. at the time i was suffering in a particularly bad moment/day, and when i'm in pain i sometimes feel sorry for myself, feel that i need quick-response help, and say dumb shit. apologies to the group...i KNOW some of y'all care about me quite a lot, and am grateful for that.

[Gone Fission]

For my part I would love to hear more Dubkitty drones. But I would settle for you getting to a place of being happier and more content.

[coldbrightsunlight]

Good luck with the new stuff dub, I really hope you manage to get better. I hope you can still find joy in making music, not thinking about whether it's "good enough" or anything like that but just in being happy to create and proud of what you've done. Seems like music has brought you a lot of peace over the years and it doesn't have to "lead anywhere" to do that.