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My band ive been in for 4 years is having its last practice tomorrow.

The drummer and his girl are moving to LA, same with my guitarist. If I didn't have responsibilities out here I would follow them but I do. I have another band I'm in that will fill the void they're leaving, but it still doesnt hurt any less. Not only am I losing something special, but im losing the best friends I've had for years.

Its not like the writing wasnt on the wall. We were good, but lacked direction. Could never get stuff released because no one would compromise on stuff. It sucks, but we still had potential.

This coupled with watching the success a lot of my other musically inclined friends are having makes me feel like a) I missed the boat on making this anything more than a hobby or b) im just not good enough for people to give a shit.


And yet here I am, plucking strings and making noise. Cause its all I know.

Well, I got 8 days this time. 8 days without benzos. I started taking them again yesterday after not being able to handle the hallucinations, tremors, constant anxiety and about a hundred other things. I made an appointment with a real psychiatrist because I'm not sure my fucking doctor knows what he's doing. I actually called and bitched his nurse out yesterday because I feel like they've offered me no guidance or support on doing this. Just tapper it how you see fit and then come off! GREAT! That sure fucking works awesome! Since my brain no longer functions right from being on the bullshit for 6 goddamn years.

I just don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do here. I can't take anything else to help with the sides because I'm a fucking drug addict. So, I'm just left to suffer and not function for 6 months? That's what happened last time I came off! Literally sat on the couch useless for 6 fucking months. Couldn't move some days or I'd cry half the day. I just cannot go through that again. Doctor tells me not to smoke pot because I'm an addict (even though it'd help with the sides), don't take kratom (even though it'd help with the sides)...there's nothing that helps! I've been taking Valerian root like it's going out of style and it doesn't work. What are people supposed to do? The buspar is a joke. It doesn't even begin to touch any of this. So I stopped taking it. Fuck that shit. I stopped taking the Welbutrin too. I'm done. Fucking doctors can kiss my ass.

Definitely see the psychiatrist man. It sounds like you exhausted all your other options.

I know your doc says no to weed, my idk maybe the psych will say differently? I'd trust your gut in that regard.

Dude your tuff as a mule you'll fight threw fine just takes time more your dependent the harder a future will be
..hope when you do take, use less then convince your self your gonna die...and be reborn in a new mental state that's gonna be hard to hold on to after a few months but idle hands are the Devils playground or whatever and pills are highly constructed to latch on inside & when gone, confusion flux..you'll find balance just fight and fuck up & learn and fight and you'll find balance again

Am currently on the phone to my mother, who has been drinking, and is telling me all the shit from her life that upsets her.
The same shit she has been calling me about most nights of the week for my entire adult life.
I cannot count how many times I have had this conversation.
It is the reason I started drinking.
How much of my life has been wasted on this shit?

The "when is the right time to euthanize" talk. My teenaged hound girl's cancer has returned . She's a much worse candidate for treatment than she was last round, so we decided not to make her endure extra suffering for her remaining time. And she is not doing as well as you would think is needed to make it to the high range of her estimated time.

Never has to make this call before. Neither has Mrs. Fission. This sucks.

poor pupper

It never gets easier, but im glad your doing right by the pup.

Im so sorry man.

Thanks, guys. I know responding to others woe in this thread usually makes me feel like I'm not really helping. But it really is very deeply appreciated on my end.

Gone Fission wrote:Thanks, guys. I know responding to others woe in this thread usually makes me feel like I'm not really helping. But it really is very deeply appreciated on my end.

Course dude. We're here for ya. It'll be ok.


Guess to add to bummer posts. Band officially had its last real meetup saturday. I went outside to my studio this morning to get some stuff and make coffee. Seeing the big empty spot where my drummers kit used to be hit me harder in the feels than I expected.

A friend that suffered from seizures died this last weekend, makes you look at life in a more cherished way as if as looking at the breeze hit a tree "he'll never again" a real special human being is lost, "oh yay coffee" (never again) nicest most eclectic dude. Getting past the when I first met him memorys to how painful and chaotic his last moments were seizing out. He loved disc golf and re drawing comic books...and he could play and sing rocky racoon like a pro on acoustic.

Sorry to hear that man, it's always sad to lose someone early like that.

I have a hearing for temporary protective custody of my son on Monday. Been stressing pretty hard about all this. Ready for this whole thing to be over.

I'm getting laid off at the end of this month but the company is still trying to hold their stupid personal development meetings, how can you do that when you know more than one whole department of people won't be there at the end of the month to even care? It's so asinine.