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It is my 35th birthday. None of the 8 people I invited over are coming. My mother sent cash. My wife didn't get me a gift or bake me a cake. I tried to make plans for today so the emptiness wouldn't take hold, but they all fell through and here I am. All I even asked for was to get to sleep in today, but I was stuck taking care of my son at 6:15. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I've been trying so hard. I haven't missed a single session of therapy. I take my pill every day. I haven't had more than two beers on the same day. I haven't acted out in a month. I'm trying my best and it feels worse than when I was in tailspin. At least then I was having fun. Hedonism is more enjoyable than nihilism. There's nothing to look forward to. I'm just so tired.

Happy Birthday, Chucky. Sorry today is turning out this way. I don't know what you're going through, but it seems like you're trying and that takes strength and you must have it even if you feel weak right now. Somewhere down inside you there's the tiniest glimmer of hope (why else would you be working on getting better?) and in times like this just hold on to that.

Take a drive, listen to some tunes (maybe not the Cure ) and breathe in some clean air. I hope your tomorrow is better and either way your fuzz breauxs will be here.

Freelance gig has drastically toned down the amount they're paying me, and I no longer need their money as desperately as I once did = deadline today, haven't started yet. SMH.

I'm angry with my 19 year old self. I dicked off for the second semester of my freshman year of college and failed a class that wasn't a graduation requirement for what I wound up majoring in.

I've been looking at masters programs and of course it turns out this basic-level course is a prerequisite for several programs to which I want to apply. I bit myself in the ass the better part of a decade ago and I've got to take a summer community college class now to make it up in all likelihood.

this was a weird weekend. Saturday i went to a party thrown by one of the folks i jammed with a couple of weeksago. it was full of people i didn't know at all. i was stressed--i had a huge headache nost of the night--but it turned out OK. it was one of those things you have to do if you want people to know you, and at least it was a relatively pleasant ordeal. yesterday i mostly slept. today i woke up early, achey and depressed and stayed that way all day. my memory at rest is terribly good at digging up painful memories.

so now it's over and i have to go back to work, neither rested or refreshed. i wish i'd just had a regular weekend and stayed home. i'm so tired of my life i just couldn't even tell you.

I thought overnight stocking would be a good fit for my natural sleep schedule, but it fucking bloowwwwwwwsssss.
What an absolutely hopeless job. Never have any energy, my back and joints hurt all the time, the pay is shit, I sleep the days away, the schedule prevents me from doing anything else in my free time except for recuperating.
I can see how people work and then just drink their off days away. Half of my shift is comprised of hating the job and fantasizing about quitting. I go as fast as possible but it's not enough. It's a job where I always feel that my work is mediocre, and that burns me up even more than any of the other factors.
I'd rather do anything else. I'd rather wash dishes. Which is what I'm gonna apply to do. The faster I'm outta there, the better.

I hate it when socio-political movements have to go over that hump from being unpopular to being mainstream so that proponents of it don't understand how to have constructive discussion and only know how to stick with brief, divisive rhetoric which does more harm than good.

I just wrote a 3070 word paper

Topic?

A pre-proposal for an econometric study on the effect of debt forgiveness programs on the national level on the number of people living below the poverty line in that country as defined by the World Bank ($1.25 a day).

The worst part is I chose my own topic

snipelfritz wrote:I hate it when socio-political movements have to go over that hump from being unpopular to being mainstream so that proponents of it don't understand how to have constructive discussion and only know how to stick with brief, divisive rhetoric which does more harm than good.

HURR DURR TAXES BAD

Of course I had to wait until the last day to write my semester paper (term paper?) in history of modern philosophy. I have until tomorrow to write ten pages on the metaphysics of Descartes versus Spinoza. This happens every time... Though luckily I've come through every time as well, and at least it's a fun subject.

Time to make some serious coffee. Not that usual shits 'n giggles coffee.

Double Brew FTW.

General bit of spite + rage: When are people going to realize that educational equality isn't going to function as a cure to employment disparity?

Please let it be Winter again. I'm going to die in this heat.

jfrey wrote:Please let it be Winter again. I'm going to die in this heat.

It's not that bad over here, but yeah. Summer is lame and I want to just skip it.