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For some reason I've been randomly feeling like crying throughout the day. I don't know what's going on or why I feel like crying.

That feeling when you're expecting a pedal in the mail, and you just get a letter from an ER.

To the couples making out around me in the library: STOP IT

wfs1234 wrote:For some reason I've been randomly feeling like crying throughout the day. I don't know what's going on or why I feel like crying.

Back in the good ol' days when I wasn't medicated I had a particular bout of what's called double depression. It's essentially chronic depression (dysthymia) with the added bonus of a major depressive episode. I would have crying spells all the time and they totally sucked. You're just sitting on a train or at your desk and BAM all of a sudden the waterworks are on for no reason what so ever. You wouldn't be feeling sad (in fact you would probably be feeling nothing, as in a big black hole that just sucks in all emotion and makes it vanish) but something in the brain would just click and say "it's time to cry bro". I also had the problem of going to movies and during intense action scenes I would be on the verge of hysterics. I would instantly want to start laughing and crying at the same time for no reason at all. Luckily that never actually happened, I think I would have a hard time explaining it.

Second week of sinus infection, no improvement in sight.

i just wanna go to japan already and take a break
im just so destroyed from uni that im at the point where i just fucking hate what i love

I'm kind of getting anxious about finding a new job.

Twangasaurus wrote:

wfs1234 wrote:For some reason I've been randomly feeling like crying throughout the day. I don't know what's going on or why I feel like crying.

Back in the good ol' days when I wasn't medicated I had a particular bout of what's called double depression. It's essentially chronic depression (dysthymia) with the added bonus of a major depressive episode. I would have crying spells all the time and they totally sucked. You're just sitting on a train or at your desk and BAM all of a sudden the waterworks are on for no reason what so ever. You wouldn't be feeling sad (in fact you would probably be feeling nothing, as in a big black hole that just sucks in all emotion and makes it vanish) but something in the brain would just click and say "it's time to cry bro". I also had the problem of going to movies and during intense action scenes I would be on the verge of hysterics. I would instantly want to start laughing and crying at the same time for no reason at all. Luckily that never actually happened, I think I would have a hard time explaining it.

i have this as an ongoing cyclic condition, a low-grade depression with a deep-cycle depression that plays 12/8 over the 4/4 of my regular cycle. i never know whether i'm going to want coffee in the morning or cyanide until after i wake up, and sometimes things will just stop me cold and make me burst into tears. seriously, getting my new kitty helped 500% because there's now at least one creature in the world for whom i'm a benefit rather than an imposition. but i still have way too many days where i skip lightly around the rim of the abyss muttering "don't look down...don't look down..." medication helps, but has its own problems with side-effects ranging from the common (the existence of my libido appears totally dependent on the level of SSRIs) to the bizarre (one SSRI i was on caused me to totally lose interest in playing the guitar for about three years) and slows me down perceptibly. i'm really tired of grey, grey, grey. and i LIKE the grey...i feel all too at home there.

dubkitty wrote:i have this as an ongoing cyclic condition, a low-grade depression with a deep-cycle depression that plays 12/8 over the 4/4 of my regular cycle. i never know whether i'm going to want coffee in the morning or cyanide until after i wake up, and sometimes things will just stop me cold and make me burst into tears. seriously, getting my new kitty helped 500% because there's now at least one creature in the world for whom i'm a benefit rather than an imposition. but i still have way too many days where i skip lightly around the rim of the abyss muttering "don't look down...don't look down..." medication helps, but has its own problems with side-effects ranging from the common (the existence of my libido appears totally dependent on the level of SSRIs) to the bizarre (one SSRI i was on caused me to totally lose interest in playing the guitar for about three years) and slows me down perceptibly. i'm really tired of grey, grey, grey. and i LIKE the grey...i feel all too at home there.

I was pretty lucky with my meds. I'm on Pristiq at the moment which is a second gen SNRI, before I was on Lexapro and on both counts my side effects have been minimal except for the occasional bout of insomnia. I definitely know what you mean about feeling at home in your depression, it's a comfortable little bubble and while it's definitely not safe there are very few expectations put on yourself. The borders are very clear, if it hurts or you're at risk of hurt then don't fucking do it. Unfortunately in my case that meant slowly cutting everything out of my life until there wasn't much point sticking around for it.

One thing in particular I have trouble explaining is the effect chronic depression for the span of years has on you in comparison to a nasty six month episode. You BECOME depression, it eats away at all unique thought until there is only negative monotony and it doesn't go away when your not depressed. You still THINK depressed. You also can't say "it will be better tomorrow" because every day of every year has proven this wrong and therapy doesn't do nothin' because your problem isn't existential it's biological. Your brain just decided that it wants to kill you. Dysthymia and similar conditions actually have a higher rate of suicide than other forms of depression for exactly this reason. That shit wears on you.

not only that, but people resent that you're "negative all the time." in the meanwhile, i'm trying to find something other than Lulu (my cat) to give enough of a shit about to bother to eat or get out of bed.

i went around in circles with therapists for years over the issue of whether depression was a cognitive distortion or a more accurate perception of reality than most people can stand to look at. i finally had to conclude that whether it's accurate or not i can't live with it, but i still have the nagging feeling that i'm lying to myself when i tell myself that things will get better while i've been out of work for two and a half years.

It always astounds me when people think depression is just you being a wuss or something you need to man up and get over.
PULL YRSELF UP BY YR BOOTSTRAPS
COWBOY UP HEH

Yeah, all this shit's a little toooo familiar. I think it might be time for me to seek professional help...

Achtane wrote:It always astounds me when people think depression is just you being a wuss or something you need to man up and get over.
PULL YRSELF UP BY YR BOOTSTRAPS
COWBOY UP HEH

my cousin, with whom i'm staying, is a perfect example of this. he likes to lecture on how Big Pharma has us all on pills we don't need because if we just adopt a positive attitude everything will improve, by God. i've told him to his face that he's totally ignorant on tho, but he's the kind of guy who gets his medical news from Alex Jones. at some point i'm going to have to get out of here whether i find a job or not because otherwise he's going to drive me stark raving bat shit. he starts drinking Red Bull at 7AM and never stops. i have to hide in my room to avoid his hypomanic dialogue with the TV, the air, and a host of perceived demons perfectly tracking the kind of dumb sub-Limbaugh right-wing redneck shit that, as something of a conservative, i find embarrassing AND offensive.

IT'S A TWEEEEEESTER! A TWEEEEEEESTER! AUNTIE 'EM!

cousin just treated me to another of his rage-to-apologetic cycles. this time he slammed the laptop on my fingers when i told him the conversation was over. i've threatened him with arrest if he escalates any more with me. i REALLY need for this to be over with. when i raised my voice to my erstwhile roommate ONCE he flounced out of the house with all his things and never came back. i don't care how destitute and desperate i am, i don't need this.