BitchPudding wrote:Why is my life so consistently sad?
I've always been really angry, but I've never really lashed out until recently. And its been mostly directed at my son. I haven't hurt him, just yelled. Which I know hurts way more than most people seem to realize. I don't want to be angry, I dont wanna be a shit dad to my kid like my dad was to me. I just wanna be happy and love my kid, but by some cosmic clusterfucking that doesnt seem possible for me to do. Its like the best thing I could do for anyone is be alone with my misery.
What really fucked up is the kid is only two. He doesn't understand the concept of making me angry any more than I understand astrophysics. I don't even know whats going through his mind when I get mad at him. But I can tell it makes him sad, and it breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure I need anger management, and I'm pretty sure this anger is linked to my depression as well. Mostly because when I am angry, I feel like I'm watching whats happening in the third person, like its out of my control. Which is really scary. And I really dont want to be subject to more psychiatrist meetings and end up feeling even crazier than I already am. But I know I need to in order to get help.
I dont really know why I'm posting this here. I guess I just feel safe here. Maybe I just want acknowledgement from others that I'm not a monster and that what I'm feeling isn't my fault.
Dude, it gets like this sometimes, you just lose perspective. Life just gets in the way. My wife can be a real downer to be around sometimes, other times she is amazing, but she is in fucking rutsville, and sometimes you give up trying to get them out. The hardest part is realising there's fuck all you can do, they need to do it, they need to want to do it.
Don't give up on her though. Find a way to have that conversation that lets her know she needs to do something about it cause it affects both you and your family. And let her know that you're gonna do something about your actions as well, as they are clearly affecting you and your sense of being a husband and a father.
Couples therapy/counselling is always an option, and if she won't go, go yourself, get some coping strategies and work out where you're at. You don't need to feel like you're alone or doing all the heavy lifting. That shit will run you aground.
Open up a dialogue about it though, and try not to let your anger override the shit you really wanna say. It'll be tough, if your wife is anything like mine she will be uber defensive and totally unrealistic with double standards. That shit is some shit girls are taught by their mothers I think. We aren't our parents, we don't need to run our show like they ran theirs.
I feel you on the bailing thing dude, I've been there before.
You look your son in the eye though and have a think about who the fuck else you'd want to raise him though.
I wouldn't give my kids up for hell or highwater, even at my lowest.
And I committed to this marriage because that woman can be fucking amazing and is under all that horeshit.
So you do what it takes to make it work.
Sorry, I was ranting.
Point was, you're not alone. Get help if you need to.
