i'm troubled

[dubkitty]

i know i haven't been posting much for awhile, but i have some situations happening that are troubling to me and i need some friends and ideas.

first of all, i've been in a bad place with my mental health and that's been affecting my whole attitude towards playing the guitar. given that i'm going to be 65 next month i feel like there's not much hope of anything musical in the rest of my days other than playing by myself at home. people i know here in Charlottesville who i've played with still aren't doing anything other than outdoor shows which is to say nothing till spring, not that i know acres of people with whom to sit in. sometimes it feels really hopeless, and like even bothering to play at all is just a wank. i've been trying to find ways to get some kind of enjoyment out of it...today i got out the Guild Aristocrat which i really love the sound of and fooled around with "Eyes Of The World" by the Dead and it felt OK. but i don't really know what to do to find any real meaning in it. i've come to see that i'm probably not going to be able to write anything more of a quality that i feel comfortable sharing with other people, and will probably never play in a band again other than maybe a sit-in occasionally. it's hard to see the point in just playing for me other than that it might bring me a little enjoyment and help to kill the endless hours between work and the last dog-walk of the evening.

this is only one of the ways my mental health has been difficult. since the long-distance relationship i was in from April through September didn't work out i lost my inspiration to do much of anything. i'd been working on self-improvement stuff which was going to be necessary for that relationship, and it's hard to find motivation to do non-fun stuff like exercise without that inspiration. after going downhill for the last couple of months it got bad enough that i got my psychiatrist to up my dosage of Vraylar (a "mood stabilizer" prescribed when my diagnosis was changed to bipolar 2 i.e. more depression than upside with a side order of hypomania) which seems to be helping, but i still feel really fragile and am frightened enough of my own brain that i stopped smoking pot because it was messing with my head too much. i'm trying, but i'm scared.

i'm also scared about my girlfriend. since the long-distance thing ended i've started seeing the woman i was with during late 2019-this April again. you may or may not recall that she's disabled and has a number of medical issues. she went into hospital today when a routine UTI went bad because her adrenals aren't putting out enough to let her recover from it normally. it's hard to see someone you love suffer, especially because she's already suffered so much in her life. i'm scared that having found each other again, i'm going to lose her because she might die. i brought her McDonald's because they missed giving her dinner, which really made her happy. she was really grateful i was there to care about her.

i guess the best i can do right now is to try to muddle through and find some kind of meaning and/or solace in the things i do have: my cat, my dog, and music. but it's hard when you feel like your life is essentially over. i had to admit to myself that i probably won't ever get west of the Appalachians for the rest of my life because i haven't the funds or the stamina to go. i seem to have aged about five years since the beginning of the pandemic...i no longer have enough energy to drive to DC or New York for shows unless they're essential, and there aren't that many things going on i want to see anyway. i'm blowing off the Flaming Lips on Tuesday because i don't want to deal with the awful parking situation around the Wharf area in DC; there's really no convenient street parking, and i don't see the point in spending $40 at the parking garage for a show that cost $30. maybe if it was one of my shoegaze bands i'd still try, but i'm not such a huge Lips fan that i really NEED to see them. really, i just wanted to see them do "Race For The Prize." but it's hard to come to terms with my inability to do things that were routine in 2018-19.

i realize that some of this stuff is hard to relate to because i'm one of the oldest people on here and probably the oldest "active member," but if anyone has any ideas, thoughts, or encouragement i'd really appreciate feedback. sorry to be a bummer, but it's fucking hard, man.

[coldbrightsunlight]

I'm sorry you're going through all that, it sounds really rough. I actually find the part about feeling like you've aged 5 years during the pandemic very relatable. Don't want to go into any details and it's not totally debilitating for me, but I'm finding it much harder physically and mentally to do things I used to do, and to do the number of things I used to do. So you might be a bit older but I think from people I know this is a very common experience, because it's been a super intense time.

I know that doesn't really make what you're going through any easier necessarily. But I'm hoping that I'm going to pull through and get it back, and I don't know if I see any reason you can't either.

[dubkitty]

i'm trying to pull through, but i don't know if it's realistic to think i'll get it back. at this point i'm just trying to get through from day to day.

[goroth]

Day by day is the only way to go when the shit hits the fan. You're doing as good as you can DK, and I'm glad that you can write so openly on ILF.

[dubkitty]

me too. this is the only place left on the net where i can do, having blown up the Gretsch Pages and DeadNetCentral with outbursts driven by the hypomania.

[oldangelmidnight]

I appreciate you being here.
I think, anymore, most of us are playing alone at home to amuse ourselves most of the time. That's a totally fine thing to do and not a waste at all.
I get the frustration at wanting to play with other people and not having access to them. Since becoming a parent 9 years ago, I haven't found a routine that works to meet up with people. If only other musicians in my area and affinity group had time to get together between 10am and 2pm on weekdays...
There's no way to predict what's going to happen. We're all aging and it seems like generational barriers dissolve more over time. If you don't mind playing with people 20 years +/- your own age, you might stumble into the right situation.
This is a shitty time for everyone and we're all feeling beat down. That's not to lessen your struggles but to point out that we're going through it together and we'll get through it together. There's still plenty of time for adventure.

[plhogan]

Hey brother, hope things start getting better for you. It’s been a weird few years and I think it has impacted everyone’s mental space.

[oldangelmidnight]

I just found myself reflecting on your circumstances and I don't know if you're looking for an assignment but it occurs to me that I'd love to hear acoustic shoegaze from an old man who's tired of this shit. Acoustic guitars can have so many overtones, multitrack the hell out of it and it would be super dense. No band needed.
Or imagine Johnny Cash's American Recordings if he wasn't country but psychedelic rock. Do a Taylor Swift cover as Quicksilver Messenger Service.
How about The Association doing Bon Iver?

[dubkitty]

problem is, i have no way to record. i can't find the adapter for my PodXT which i was using as an interface back when i was recording loops. it's probably around here somewhere but i don't know where. i guess i could hook up the looper and do stuff with no way of preserving it. that kind of thing is kind of conceptually appealing because there's no judgement past "this sounds good now." is that nihilistic?

[D.o.S.]

Not according to William Basinski. I think it's a really good idea.

[cosmicevan]

Dig this - https://coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being

Yale course, it's free...science of happiness. How the brain ACTUALLY works in relation to your happiness and what really makes you happy vs what you think makes you happy. I haven't completed the course, but the little bit I've done and applied to my life actually works.

The way you wrote that you are thankful for your dog, your cat, music...friends, relationships...etc....stopping each day and committing 5 to 15 minutes to write something like that down...even to jot down, wow, I really enjoyed my coffee this morning. I took 5 minutes to gaze out the window and just be in the moment with my coffee and that was wonderful....noting things like that actually effects your general well being and happiness.

It's worth a try. If you don't dig how things are, try something different. I am a roller coaster of emotions, but these techniques really help me identify when I'm heading the wrong way and to turn things around. This stuff is annoying, but it's really key to being in charge of how you feel.

[oldangelmidnight]

problem is, i have no way to record. i can't find the adapter for my PodXT which i was using as an interface back when i was recording loops. it's probably around here somewhere but i don't know where. i guess i could hook up the looper and do stuff with no way of preserving it. that kind of thing is kind of conceptually appealing because there's no judgement past "this sounds good now." is that nihilistic?

I don't know if it's nihilistic but experiencing the moment without judgement is really the goal we should all be going for.

[dubkitty]

the course sounds interesting. i’ll check it out.

i’m really struggling with my mental health. i’m trying to get better, but i can barely cope with eating. i wanted to lose weight, but not like this.

my psychiatrist says i need a therapist. i have a couple of recommendations from my former therapist who can’t see me because she doesn’t take my insurance. i’m trying to crank up the confidence to call one.

sorry to be a bummer, but i’m having a really hard time and i need help.

one positive thing: my girlfriend is out of the hospital. she’s on IV antibiotics at home for the next two weeks. at least she’s still here.

[MSUsousaphone]

I do a lot of my therapy in nursing homes. The homes I go to used to have people go in and play music for them precovid. The residents loved that stuff. Before covid, I would have told you guys that most nursing homes aren't even close to as bad as people make them out to be. Don't get me wrong, there are some atrocious ones out there, but most of them were pretty good precovid......but man.....covid.....

Things got so depressing during covid. Before the vaccine, we weren't able to go in and counsel.....residents were forced to isolate in their rooms. No outside anything so no more musicians. With the vaccines, we got back in to do therapy.....oh....I live in Lake Charles, La so we also got absolutely gobsmacked by two hurricanes that obliterated half of our care centers......but anyways, long winded post....they're finally getting to where musicians could probably start to come back in. Music is life. Half of my therapy sessions is just pulling my phone out to play obscure oldies for these folks. Brohem Dubkits, don't put down your guits. Go play for local care centers. It'll be some of the besg crowds.

That goes for everyone, too. I can tell you, there are more care centers than musician volunteers. And it fucking rocks. I have been in the counseling field for 15 years now and I can tell you that volunteeringlike that can be more therapeutic than regular mental health sessions and medicine. Not saying to drop your meds. Just saying that playing for old people is amazing.

[cosmicevan]

the course sounds interesting. i’ll check it out.

i’m really struggling with my mental health. i’m trying to get better, but i can barely cope with eating. i wanted to lose weight, but not like this.

my psychiatrist says i need a therapist. i have a couple of recommendations from my former therapist who can’t see me because she doesn’t take my insurance. i’m trying to crank up the confidence to call one.

sorry to be a bummer, but i’m having a really hard time and i need help.

one positive thing: my girlfriend is out of the hospital. she’s on IV antibiotics at home for the next two weeks. at least she’s still here.

It's really about giving you actionable things to actually do and practice. The more you force yourself to do one of these things like spend 10 minutes and write down things you are thankful for - when I first started this, my things were like:
1. I don't live in Syria or any other war torn nation (at the time, Syria was getting bombed on the regular by both sides so I was really happy to not have to deal with anything like that in my life).
2. I don't have covid and no one in my immediate family has covid
3. My joints feel good (I suffer from arthritis so I try to make note of not taking for granted when there is no pain).

...and so on. In the beginning, I found myself writing the same things on my gratitude journal, but over time I started calling out weird things like - the weather is nice today or I really enjoyed my coffee today or I reached out to an old friend to say hi and it was nice to hear that voice again.

They say that simple exercises like spending a few minutes a day to think about what you are thankful for (and EVERYONE can find things to be thankful for whehter you actually feel thankful or not) actually improves your overall well being and general happiness.

I fall off quite a bit and haven't finished the course even though I started it at the very start of the pandemic but a LOT of the techniques have REALLY helped me cope with how I feel. There are no silver bullets, but little tricks and tools can be all it takes to reframe a bad feeling and get through a tough moment.