i'm troubled

[dubkitty]

i'm still struggling, and still trying. i have feelers out to two therapists and hope i'll hear from one or the other soon. i'm making myself eat, and i have to take care of the critters, so that keeps me from being totally dysfunctional along with my work. but it's so hard. i need more help than i'm getting. my gf has been absolutely golden, but she can't carry me. my psychiatrist is out of the office until 12/7, and it doesn't seem like changing my meds helps. i don't want to be like this.

[coldbrightsunlight]

therapy sounds like a good idea. I hope you find something that helps.

[goroth]

Just keep on getting up buddy - that's a battle in itself and you should be proud of that. I hope you get onto a good therapist soon man.

[dubkitty]

yesterday was a bad day. i was overwhelmed by anxiety and grief. my gf got me to come over for dinner and held me and let me cry on her shoulder about how i miss my best friend who's disappeared, how i feel like a failure, and just general unhappiness. she helped me a lot. today i'm back to feeling weird from disrupted sleep patterns (i slept from 10 to 3 and then laid in bed till 7) but trying to dismiss my fears about aging and all by saying "don't worry about that now." haven't heard from either therapist yet. just trying to get through today. i feel sick enough that i'm having to take breaks at least once an hour to lie down. it's pretty nasty, but i'm afraid to sleep because then i'll be up most of the night again. last weekend i slept all day Saturday; i don't want to do that this weekend. i'm still trying.

[Never]

good luck dubs.

I like the idea of a gratitude journal that Evan is talking about. I think it would actually be difficult for me to do (to be consistent with it, to not feel silly), so maybe that's a hint I should try it. in the past year or two, I think I'm getting more forgiving and understanding with myself, in a way that helps me see myself more clearly, including my faults -- for example, I tend to be very self-critical about not having done more writing and music in my life so far. when I was in my early 20s, I thought that was all I really cared about -- and I haven't been too successful at finishing pieces or putting myself out there much -- really, even by the time I was like 25, I felt the same self-critical way, that I was somehow always too late and never doing enough.

now that I'm older, looking back on it, I can see that although I *thought* producing art was what I cared about most, based on my actions and decisions in life, what I clearly cared about most was trying to get some level of financial and emotional security -- I spent much more time and energy on finding any sort of career and building a good relationship with my now-wife. both of those things, although I haven't been perfect or the best in the world, I've managed to find some success in, so in retrospect I can be really grateful to my old self who thought he was fucking up more than he actually was. both of those goals meant we had to move around a lot chasing jobs, which really gets in the way of the creative desires I also had. and when I think about how she & I both experienced personal and societal-wide financial stress growing up (me growing up in the American Rust Belt, her family getting hit extremely hard by the 2008 crash), it makes a lot of sense we would act that way, even without consciously realizing it.

I think part of my slowly improving mindset has developed from learning about psychoanalysis -- traditional style, Freudian or Lacanian theory. unlike CBT or something, psychoanalysis isn't so much a tool to "heal" you, as it is to understand the unconscious/subjectivity in general and, through one-on-one analysis, yours in particular; not a replacement for medication, for example. my wife and I are just learning here and there on our own. I'd like to find a good Lacan-influenced psychoanalyst to do sessions with one day, but even reading some good books and listening to some good podcasts has helped me gain a more forgiving, unconscious-aware perspective of myself. (and when I can do it for myself, it's a lot easier to do for others; my boss had an extreme meltdown and berated my team over nothing but his own misunderstanding this week, to the point where I felt physically ill how he was speaking to other people; but just keeping in mind that he was having genuine feelings rooted in his own psychology, even if he was behaving completely unacceptably, helped me talk to him with sympathy afterwards and figure out at least a little what he wanted to get by behaving this way).

so yeah, in the spirit of suggesting things that have been helping me and may or may not help anyone else, but hopefully do, that's mine! the best place to start reading, for me, was Lacan on Love by Bruce Fink (also it gave me a whole new perspective on Neon Genesis Evangelion!) or just with some good podcasts like "Why Theory?"

if you, DK, or anyone else were interested, just PM me for some pdfs and epubs (I love spreading documents). if not, at least this long-winded post gives you something to read, a trip to someone else's psychology for a minute

[dubkitty]

still haven't heard back from either therapist. trying to decide whether to hunt some more or just try and work things out on my own. i'm beginning to understand what's been happening to me. the long-distance relationship i was in from April till the beginning of September was very compelling and offered me a pre-set path through into retirement and old age living with her and becoming part of that household. when it didn't work out i was more relieved than anything else having realized it was completely untenable, but as time has gone on the knowledge of aging and the danger of ending up totally alone has become oppressive in the extreme. i think i had a nervous breakdown, if that's still considered a thing. i do seem to be gradually improving, but i still have a long way to go; for example, i can barely cook for myself and have been helping keep the local McDonalds in business. i'm proud that even at my worst i was still able to take care of the critters, with the litter box serviceable and the dog walked 3 times a day, but i haven't been keeping up with much else. i've been wearing the same clothes for days at a time, but still the laundry is piling up and i've been barely coping with washing and shaving. but i haven't given up, far from it. i'm determined to get back to whatever is "normal" for me. but it's hard, very hard.

[qersty]

i'm sorry you gotta go thru this dub. i am terrible at advice but i hope at least you can find comfort in that i relate to your troubledness. I havent managed to get ahold of a therapist since august and have just been popping pills and terrorising people as well.

Really wish I could say something better but I hope things change for the better for ya

[dubkitty]

making myself do stuff is a thing. today i did a load of laundry and went to the store to buy cat litter. once i actually get started it's OK, but getting started is a tall order. i'm still having trouble sleeping more than 5 hours a night, but i stay in bed when that happens so at least i'm getting rest.

i'm sorry if this is too much me me me for folks, but i scarcely have anyone to talk with about this and i need peeps.

going to see my gf tomorrow and Thursday for thanksgiving, which i'm hoping will be nice. i need something nice.

[Seance]

I hope you get meds that work for you and you find a therapist.
That is of the uppermost importance.

Another thing is to be forgiving and patient with yourself. There is large-scale change
and tumult globally. You wouldn't be a feeling/thinking person if that didn't give you pause
and lead you to examine how you've been living and how you want to go forward in life.

Retirement? Unfortunately that might be an idea of the past. But you know what else was
an idea of the past? The idea that individuals or families played musical instruments.
Not for fame. Not in an effort to get a record contract. People play music because it is
joyful. Music is about emotion. And listening. And responding. Feeling a feeling,
and then embedding feeling in sounds that resonate eardrums and ribcages and lead others
to feel feelings.

In the current global situation of transition and scary change, there are a lot of people
ignoring the facts and pretending like a "reckoning" of human behavior isn't on offer and warranted.

I have a tendency to second-guess and be hyper-critical of myself. At a certain point in life I
realized that this tendency wasn't something I could just "stop doing". Then I thought of Bruce Lee.
When you encounter a superior force you don't need to stop it or overcome it... you need to guide it.

This is also where surfing metaphors come in. Collectively humans have proven themselves capable of
ruining the world. Even so, no individual human is stronger than Nature. Collective humanity is not
"stronger" than nature. But an individual who understands and respects circumstance can ride a wave.
The surfer doesn't have more power than the wave. They don't have "power over" the wave. But with a
deep respect and understanding of the wave and a profound understanding of the importance of balance,
a human can ride that wave. Experience counts. But it's also about being in the moment and reacting.

When the little things feel monumental, it might be an indication that they are.

This works both ways.

When a person is feeling down a little gesture from a friend or stranger can mean the world.
Small gestures on your part (writing down what you're feeling, reaching out, strumming a guitar,
doing the laundry) can be just as monumental. Even the littlest improvement you make is important.
It's something solid and substantial on which you can build.

What is art? A nested series of decisions. What is life? A nested series of decisions.

It's human nature to think that a decision or coping mechanism arrived at will magically work at all times
and in all circumstances. It's important to be honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions
while avoid being unnecessarily critical of yourself and your past habits or behaviors. The reason people
rely on a certain habit or behavior is because once upon a time it worked. For a time.
And that can lead a person to repeat a certain behavior. But sometimes those old behaviors stop working or
helping and start to become harmful. Some of that "harm" comes when the comfort of the familiar blinds a
person to the mounting evidence that circumstances have changed and time has moved on and that old
behavior isn't working anymore. Even in this kind of situation I've found that redirecting is often more
effective and long-lasting than a self-imposed or outside prohibition.

As for the mourning of the previous relationship... the best advice I was ever given by a friend was that
a bad "break up" is like breaking an arm or leg. You have to give yourself time to heal. When two people
are open with each other, they become intertwined. How you "see" the world starts to get filtered though
that other person's consciousness. After that sort of connection "breaks" it can be "messy" because parts of
you get left behind in and taken away by the other person and parts of the other person are left behind in you.

The parts of that other person that persist inside you can sometimes feel like a phantom limb or a ghost.
It is natural to then question and worry about the old boundaries and definitions.
Something that worked for a time has changed.

This is where "sweating the small stuff" in terms of routine, setting up infrastructures to help you
becomes vitally important. Notice the weather. Recognize the moment. Set a sleep schedule. Eat at regular times.


About sleep... after I started suffering from tinnitus I instituted a sleep routine. When I'm in bed at night and
as soon as I turn off the light, I start repeating a mantra in my head. I repeat two short phrases. This helps me
focus my mind and allows me an opportunity to let go of my thoughts as they rise to the surface.

The syllables of the mantra map onto the durations of a slow, deep inhale and exhale of breath.
One phrase for each. Repeat. Thoughts and worries come up...? Repeat.

I hope you hang in there and find the help you deserve.

[cosmicevan]

oh man. I suck at forcing myself to do routine...but there's a lot of truth in "things set in motion tend to stay in motion" - for a minute I got into this thing called micro goals which are setting tiny goals for yourself just to get a behavior tested out since the hardest part is really starting (like the hardest part for me to go for a jog - my exercise of choice when I do it - is to put on my shoes). But I digress...micro-goals. The theory is if you want to do something like start reading on a regular basis, to make a goal for yourself to read like 2 pages a day. In order to read 2 pages a day, you essentially just need to pick up the book, open it and read what's in front of you and then put it down. The theory...and in my experience is that it works...is that on most (not all) days...you will read the 2 pages and decide to read a few more hence exceeding your goal which feels great!!! I don't know about you but I need all the small victories I can get...even freeing a piece of food from the back corner of my mouth with my tongue is a joy that I cannot describe...digress again.

micro-goals...so yeah...some days you'll do the 2 pages and then F-you...you've fulfilled the contract with yourself in less than 10 minutes. this feels good. accomplishment feels good...it feeds off itself. that aside on those hopeful days that you don't meet your commitment - and you should commit to this...srs...but if you miss it on a day...forgiving yourself is a bit less of a bite since it isn't a massive goal (and thinking about that alone might help you just friggin knock it out for the day and get that win if nothing else) and you've probably more than made up for it this week anyway since the law of motion at all.

I saw a internet thingie a few months ago that was along the lines of we've just gone through 20 months of disinformation, a disease that is in the air that might kill us, isolation, lockdowns, financial ruin for us or those around us...OFCOURSE you are barely holding on. Forgive yourself that you aren't firing on all cylinders...we are in survival mode.

legit.

any help you get is just going to be able to offer you similar guidance as to use (if not actual medication to help) but these techniques really help get you going. We are all lawnmowers on the field of life...you gotta get your engine kickstarted sometimes and you need strategies since ultimately we are the ones in our own drivers seat regardless of what we are dealing with (and in candid nature since I don't know any of you fucks, I'll admit my biggest pain is that I just found out that my 70 something year old estranged father of ~15 years who was homeless just recently was admitted to harlem hospital for accidentally lighting himself on fire and is in an induced coma as my sister who hasn't spoken to him for 20 years takes control of the situation since I just can't...)...but fuck it, this is life and it's up to us to make it work...so we must.

explore breathing techniques. find a center. add a shave to your morning routine with brushing your teeth. get a win wherever you can...feed off it. find more wins...ride momentums...recognize when things are going backwards and restart.

[dubkitty]

those are two extremely wise and helpful posts i’ll be going back to in the future. thank you for your thoughts.

today was good. it had to work to be since i woke up feeling that “being a dog daddy isn’t working for me.” this shocked my gf, who helped arrange for me to adopt him and loves him dearly. but she’s so compassionate and kind to me that she gave me support when i so desperately needed it. when i’m in an obsessive depressive loop like i’ve been in all i see is the worst in everything. the hassle of going for walks, keeping him controlled when we’re out (he’s reactive to other dogs and barks up a blue streak whenever he sees one), and just having to be responsible for his needs. sometimes it seems like more than i can bear. but he loves me so much, and whatever i feel, if i gave him up it would break both our hearts. so i’m trying to see the good and do what’s right for both of us, which is to be a good father and share his love.

the situation with your dad is brutal, Evan. i can only imagine how you feel, and am sending you love and compassion over the airwaves.

it’s really important for me to be able to talk with you folks about this…maybe it can be helpful to other people as well.

i hope everyone had the best thanksgiving you could.

[cosmicevan]

the situation with your dad is brutal, Evan. i can only imagine how you feel, and am sending you love and compassion over the airwaves.

yeah, I actually won't really talk about it - at all. Even when my wife wants to I shut her down because it is just what it is. Being estranged is a weird thing I never thought would happen to me, but it did and it is even weirder since I became a father myself 10 years ago. It is impossible to process, but it really shines a light on the fact that kids can block things out and really be in the dark about what was really happening as they grew up since my memories are spotty around the problems.

I'm really glad to hear you are doing better. There will be shitty days ahead, but hopefully feeling good today will hopefully be a solid reminder that good days are ahead as well and the shitty feelings aren't permanent even if they feel like they are at times. Good luck with the strategies and as goofy as it sounds, when you start to feel shitty, try to be aware of it...take note that you are starting to feel shitty...and if you listen to some sad music and it makes you feel shittier, note that in your mind and next time you start feeling shitty don't listen to that sad music. If you feel shitty and watch a comedy and it helps you fall on the right side of the fence, remember that and next time you feel on the fence, try what worked last time. It's a weird thing to navigate through and these tips seem so goofy, but they really work.

[dubkitty]

i thought i'd update y'all on what's going on. things have still been such a struggle that heartbreakingly i had to find a new home for my dog because i couldn't cope with caring for him and dealing with his behavioral problems. my psychiatrist appointment has been put off till 12/21 because i had car trouble and couldn't make the appointment on the 7th. i never did hear back from the therapists and have now contacted an employee assistance program at UVA which my employer has access to. i have a Zoom meeting with them tomorrow at 11 AM. i'm also investigating in-network providers with Cigna (my work insurance), though there are only a few of them. i'm hanging on by my fingernails over here. i really hope i can find some help with the resources available to me. in the meantime i'm whiling away the endless hours playing solitaire on the computer. i dither endlessly about everything, have a hard time taking care of myself on a basic physical level, and can't remember the last time i felt really happy. i don't know what else to say.

[lost in music]

I'm so sorry, dubkitty. I've been struggling a lot over here, myself. Back in October, everything seemed to be getting to be too much for me to handle. Felt like I was just white-knuckling life. so I made my first psychologist and psychiatrist appointments since I was a teenager. Was diagnosed back then with ADHD inattentive type and social anxiety disorder, but didn't give a shit because I was a teenager. I should have sought help years ago, but I've been masking my symptoms because I haven't really had the time or money to seek treatment. I still don't, but I feel like the situation has been nearing emergency levels.

I've had my first appointments and tbh, not tremendously impressed with the practice I chose. Like, the therapist has dropped the ball several times on our teleconferencing sessions and I have had to be the one to reach out and say "hey, hello? we've got an appointment over here!" But I'm just starting out and I know that if I tried looking for new doctors that I would end up getting derailed and unable to deal with anything anymore.

I'm so sorry about your dog. Part of what is worrying me so much is that I'm the primary caregiver for my family's cats and dogs. If I dropped the ball on them, my wife wouldn't be able to care for them properly (issues of her own) and it would be way too much of a burden on my daughter. But around October, I lost the energy to play with the cats every night like I used to. Like, I was just too exhausted and would stare at them and say "I'm sorry guys..." I've had to buy them little battery operated toys from the pet store, which fortunately they like, but it's not the same. I'm definitely scared that I could lose my ability to support them if I can't support myself.

going back to your original post:

i'm blowing off the Flaming Lips on Tuesday because i don't want to deal with the awful parking situation around the Wharf area in DC; there's really no convenient street parking, and i don't see the point in spending $40 at the parking garage for a show that cost $30.

Holy shit, I went to a Wolf Alice show at Union Stage back in Nov. The two tickets cost about $60 total, but parking was definitely like $40, tacos and a beer at a little restaurant near the parking garage somehow cost $50. The show was worth it, but total sticker shock at the costs of navigating that neighborhood. I need a different strategy if I ever end up going back there.

Anyway, hope you have a good day today and that you can get the help you need. I see that tumbleweeds blow through this message board nowadays, but I've always appreciated your posts. Feel well.

[dubkitty]

i thought i should do an update for those who care about me. i'm gradually--VERY gradually--getting better. i'm still so dysfunctional that i can't even deal with shopping, but the anxiety is lessening though still present. i hit absolute bottom in December, and am now trying to claw my way back. one nice thing is that my shrink suggested i take benzos before bed because my sleep has been horribly disrupted...i've been getting maybe four hours a night for weeks. so i took an Ativan before going to bed last night and slept all the way through till 6:30. i feel very different today, and am coping better. i don't think i can do that every night, though, because i don't want to wind up addicted to benzos again having done twice in my life. Becky suggested i do it for a week to "reboot my sleep cycle," and i'm going to do that. i actually felt like i might want to play guitar yesterday for the first time in months. my self-discipline is quite lacking, which makes it very difficult to improve because it requires doing things i really don't want to do which for a depressed person is virtually everything. but i'm going to get better. i'm determined, and the other day i felt like i wasn't anywhere near better but could see it from where i am.