The spite, hate, rage, apathy and mild irritation thread...

[chuckjaywalk]

I have realized that I will never fit in anywhere and should give up trying to. I need to be content with the loneliness.

[Jwar]

What are you trying to fit into exactly?

Also on the thread topic thing. I randomly post shit in thread I don't know anything about mostly to be annoying. It's the troll in me. I likes to troll. Don't hate bros! DON't HATE!

[chuckjaywalk]

What are you trying to fit into exactly?

Also on the thread topic thing. I randomly post shit in thread I don't know anything about mostly to be annoying. It's the troll in me. I likes to troll. Don't hate bros! DON't HATE!

It seems like every time I try to engage with people, I end up alienated or alienating. I talk too much. I get too excited. My points of reference are too wide and obscure. I just don't feel like I live on the same planet as the people around me. I want so badly to belong, but it doesn't work. I just end up alone.

[Jwar]

I think you're over thinking things dude. I've met you in person a few times and enjoyed talking to you and actually like that you were enthusiastic. It's nice to see someone that actually has passion versus just being meh about shit. You're a good dude. Don't think you're not.

[chuckjaywalk]

I think you're over thinking things dude. I've met you in person a few times and enjoyed talking to you and actually like that you were enthusiastic. It's nice to see someone that actually has passion versus just being meh about shit. You're a good dude. Don't think you're not.

Thank you. I needed that.

[jfrey]

I think you're over thinking things dude. I've met you in person a few times and enjoyed talking to you and actually like that you were enthusiastic. It's nice to see someone that actually has passion versus just being meh about shit. You're a good dude. Don't think you're not.

Thank you. I needed that.

Hang onto the enthusiasm man. I'd always rather talk to someone that is enthusiastic about something, than someone that is apathetic.

[chuckjaywalk]

I think you're over thinking things dude. I've met you in person a few times and enjoyed talking to you and actually like that you were enthusiastic. It's nice to see someone that actually has passion versus just being meh about shit. You're a good dude. Don't think you're not.

Thank you. I needed that.

Hang onto the enthusiasm man. I'd always rather talk to someone that is enthusiastic about something, than someone that is apathetic.

There's a reason I want to write a memoir called 'I Don't Know What To Do With My Hands.' My enthusiasm takes me away to sea and I lose sight of land. Unfortunately, a strange side effect of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I read facial cues on people's faces better than average. The other person might only be subconsciously expressing a negative emotion, but I detect it and I'm overly sensitive, so it stabs me. That's why I avoid eye contact. It can be too much for me. I do think way too fucking much.

[backwardsvoyager]

Be careful not to let a BPD diagnosis corner you into thinking there's something inherently 'wrong' with you or that you're bound to always feel lonely. The fact that there are ILFers like jwar & jfrey who appreciate your personality traits is a testament to that. I can relate to all of these things you've mentioned and there are a lot of similar people out there. It's an umbrella term and even though it can be helpful for those seeking to remedy negative emotions you shouldn't feel bound by it.
I dunno if it makes me smart or naive but i've always avoided psychological evaluation because i think that if my erratic emotional/behavioral traits were categorized it would trap me into thinking they need to be 'fixed' for me to lead a happy life. Too early to tell, I guess.

[chuckjaywalk]

Be careful not to let a BPD diagnosis corner you into thinking there's something inherently 'wrong' with you or that you're bound to always feel lonely. The fact that there are ILFers like jwar & jfrey who appreciate your personality traits is a testament to that. I can relate to all of these things you've mentioned and there are a lot of similar people out there. It's an umbrella term and even though it can be helpful for those seeking to remedy negative emotions you shouldn't feel bound by it.
I dunno if it makes me smart or naive but i've always avoided psychological evaluation because i think that if my erratic emotional/behavioral traits were categorized it would trap me into thinking they need to be 'fixed' for me to lead a happy life. Too early to tell, I guess.

I had no choice but to seek out psychological evaluation. My isolation/depression/emotional instability drove me to suicidal lengths and I was ready to end things. I was on a downward spiral and without therapy, I would be dead now. No question about it. The combination of therapy and drugs have made a lot more positive impact on me than my screeds about loneliness might let on. In the past, when I felt like this, I didn't bother reaching out to people, especially male people. Instead, I sought female attention in very damaging ways. I was dependent on female sexual validation. It was my driving force and it almost killed me.

Defining myself by my disorder is something I need to do less of, but I find that it at least gives me a framework to better understand some of the situations I put myself in. Trying not to repeat past mistakes is key.

[Bassist_Diver]

Due to space issues I'd been keeping my amp in a storage unit until I moved. I've been tight on cash so I was trying to sell it and figured I should swing by the unit to see how it's doing (and everything else for that matter).

I open the unit up and I get hit by the musky smell of standing water. Looking around, I see water dripping out of the ceiling and all over my stuff. I bring a manager up and her reaction is "oh fuck." A plumber comes in and says there's a busted pipe that's causing the water to leak in. So I have a lot of stuff that needs replacing.

Including my amp.

I took out renters insurance with the unit, so at least I get insurance money?

[dubkitty]

i feel like a spectator watching through a window as my life goes by. i'm trying to figure out how to get on the other side of the glass, but i'm so alienated from myself that really basic stuff goes by. i just don't feel like me (the amount of medication i'm on now may be related to this). i'm right there with you, chuck,,,i also feel lost and alone in a world that just wasn't meant for me. i'm also fighting to give a shit, and i'm also bone-tired from it. but i have a job, and a place tro live, such as it is.

i've said it before, but if i hadn't had my cat to take care of and the job here hadn't happened i'd probably shot myself in Pocatello. that's a lot of weight for a furry little creature to carry, but she loves me so much that i can't leave her. i'd have lost her anyway without the job, because i'd have been homeless in the frozen tundra in January,

[chuckjaywalk]

i feel like a spectator watching through a window as my life goes by. i'm trying to figure out how to get on the other side of the glass, but i'm so alienated from myself that really basic stuff goes by. i just don't feel like me (the amount of medication i'm on now may be related to this). i'm right there with you, chuck,,,i also feel lost and alone in a world that just wasn't meant for me. i'm also fighting to give a shit, and i'm also bone-tired from it. but i have a job, and a place tro live, such as it is.

i've said it before, but if i hadn't had my cat to take care of and the job here hadn't happened i'd probably shot myself in Pocatello. that's a lot of weight for a furry little creature to carry, but she loves me so much that i can't leave her. i'd have lost her anyway without the job, because i'd have been homeless in the frozen tundra in January,

Participate in life. If that's too much, describe what you are seeing and experiencing. If that is too much, observe and contemplate until you are strong enough.

Otters hold each other's hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart.

[gunslinger_burrito]

Good peeps here.

I just got called in to work later this evening. Someone is taking a vacation next week and I have to cover some shifts. I'm probably going to have to work another 7 day stretch. If they don't give me my requested time off (after working at least one 7 day stretch so someone could vacation once already) an I have to do a second 7-day, I'm probably going to lose my shit. I wish I had something to fall back on so I could tell them to fuck off. Ever since I moved to this new location, my job has progressively screwed up my life more and more, and I moved here to do the exact opposite.

[01010111]

Chuckjaywalk I have those social alienation skills too. But don't try to let it get you too down I have a very similar thing about eye contact. Because I'm terrible at reading body language, to gauge people's reactions and mood I read way too much into people's tone of voice and facial expressions. So, everywhere I go I use the 1000-yard stare to get me through.

My roommate doesn't know how to keep our living quarters cool even though it's hot out. It's going to be 90+ degrees again today and she left for work this morning leaving her window open and fans on.

Leaving the window open negates whatever I do to try and keep the apartment cool. Fans don't actually cool anything down unless they're pumping hot air out of a room, or pumping cold air into it. Fans actually make the air warmer because of friction. The reason it feels cool sitting in front of a fan is because the air isn't body temperature, if it was body temperature you'd feel like you were in a furnace. Convection ovens have fans for a reason.

I tried to talk to her about this last summer when I moved in, but she claimed keeping the windows closed "didn't help." I'm going to ask her to shut her window and turn off her fans when she leaves for work. Maybe it's different in an apartment, but I was able to keep a house without air conditioning consistently below 70° in spite of the 100°+ weather outside, by shutting the windows in the morning and not running fans during the day. If I ran fans during the day they always made the house warmer than if I left them off. End rant.

I need these internship people to get back to me about when I'm supposed to come in and work. I have way too much time on my hands and I can't stop focusing on tiny problems and getting too worked up about them.

[friendship]

The depression has stricken me of enjoying even the most basic joys that I've held close during other rough episodes, in the past. Even when totally excited to play music, I sit down to play and suddenly find I don't even care enough to. Everything is going through the motions and it gets harder and harder to justify them. I'm calling a new psychiatrist tomorrow for a re-eval and maybe a medication, but truthfully, the inefficacy that the system has provided me in over 15 years of dealing with this gives me no faith in it whatsoever. Another going-through-the-motion.

On the plus side, I just learned how to properly cool a common area with fans. Thanks, wfs1234!